In the midst of
active caregiving it’s can be hard to imagine a time when you wont have this
level of responsibility. However, change is one of the few constants in life
and at some point, you will no longer need to fill this role. What’s next?
How the caregiving
ends can impact “next steps.” Did the person die or become self-sufficient? Did
something change requiring you to give up that responsibility? Your age, other
family responsibilities, what you did before becoming a caregiver and how
connected you stayed to other people and activities during that time also plays
a role
While some are
relieved and seem to be able to pick up where they left off before becoming a
caregiver, others are lost as their identity and sense of purpose-their reason
for getting up in the morning- is gone. In the latter situation, when the
person dies, this can become a complication to grieving.
Note about grieving:
It is important to recognize that grief does not last forever, it doesn’t come
in stages, and there is considerable misinformation out there on this topic.
One of the leading researchers is George A. Bonanno at Columbia University
whose 20 years plus studies of grief and loss finds that By far the most common response we see in our research is a pattern we
call "resilience." We see this pattern in between one third and two thirds of
bereaved people. It looks like the term suggests. People who show a resilient
outcome struggle initially with the pain of loss, as almost everyone does, but
they manage to deal with the sadness and distress with equanimity. Their pain
is acute, usually lasting most pointedly for a few days to a few weeks but then
begins to subside. It is not that they don't grieve, or that they didn't care;
far from it. Rather, they are able to put the pain aside when they need to and
they continue to meet the demands of their life. They work, they take are of
loved ones. They even laugh and experience moments of joy. They accept
the loss, readjust their sense of what is, and move on. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thriving-in-the-face-trauma/200910/grief-doesnt-come-in-stages-and-its-not-the-same-every
If you are having
difficulty refocusing and moving on to “what’s next” consider the following:
Stabilize your life by:
• Taking care of the
basics that were often over looked such as getting sufficient sleep, eating
healthy whole foods, exercising etc.
• Reconnect
with your living space. Whether the person lived with you or you had to go to
them, create a living space that brings you comfort, contentment and joy. This
is good time to de clutter. Check out The KonMari Method for Tidying When Affected by a Chronic Condition
• Take a
vacation, even if it’s a weekend in a hotel across town. Use the Take a Break Pinterest Board to engage in any number of activities to help
ease daily stress.
• If you belong to a
church, synagogue, or other religious group and were unable to participate
because of your caregiving responsibilities, reconnect.
• You’ve poured
out a lot of energy so if people are offering to do things for you, let them.
Massages, spa day and even getting a haircut helps you recharge.
• Assess your
financial and living situation along with other aspects of your life that you
might have put on hold. Don’t try to tackle this all at once and definitely get
some assistance if you need help with financial planning etc. Put off what you
can until tomorrow.
• Look at family
dynamics. Sometimes caregiving can put you at odds with family members for one
reason or other. Is there anything outstanding that you really need to address?
If it’s minor, let it go.
• Reconnect
with friends and people you enjoy, as well as other activities, that may have
fallen by the wayside. Consider the three important findings of the Harvard
longevity study (now over 75 years old) Social connections are really
good for us, loneliness kills; It's not just the number of friends you have,
and it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship, but it's the
quality of your close relationships that matters; Good relationships don't just
protect our bodies, they protect our brains.
• Practise
mindfulness (living in the present moment) as much as possible so that you
don’t get swallowed up in regret (it’s common for caregivers to feel guilt for
not doing enough, missing symptoms etc.) or traumatized by what could happen in
the future. Check out Mindful: Taking time for what matters
• Recognize that
nothing is permanent and that change is an important part of life. We’re
designed to be resilient and we can build on that by maintaining
a broad repertoire of possible responses to challenges such as talking,
distracting oneself, writing, finding ways to laugh about it, doing something
to change the situation, deep breathing, and so on. Read
more on this topic at Suffering: How optional is it?
• If you are
continually obsessing about what’s happened and fears for the future, check out
How to Stop Obsessive Thinking.
• Be gentle
with yourself
Reconnect to your purpose by:
• Asking
yourself what you believe in and how that may have been shaped by your recent
experiences.
• Assess what your
caregiver experience has given you. Maybe it’s taught you how to advocate for
someone, mediate between people with differing viewpoints, coordinate care,
make food for those with special dietary needs etc. etc. What aspects of it did
you enjoy?
• Identify what
brought you joy and contentment before and after being a caregiver. Anything
from the “before” phase that you’d like to try again?
• Once a caregiver always a caregiver isn’t
true for everyone. It’s okay to recognize and refocus your energy into a
hobby, job, politics, church or another activity that you find interesting and
fulfilling. We give the world and ourselves what it needs when we do what we
love and what inspires us. If you like caregiving, there are both jobs and
volunteer opportunities that would welcome someone with your experience.
• Consider a
career/job change that is more in line with your current understanding of yourself.
