This week
I had an interesting conversation with a good friend and colleague who I worked
with for many years in AIDS. We touched on a very familiar topic-the fine line
between being helping and enabling.
As more and more is
learned about how the brain functions, and its incredible ability to heal and
protect us, we need to pay close attention to this research. There are good
indications that we can “rewire” the brain to be dependent or independent.
In our effort to
keep people from failing, we weaken them. As Diana Nyad has stated in the weeks
following her incredible swim-“failure is not a bad thing.” Basically, you can
learn as much, if not more, by a bad experience than a good one.
So when is it
enabling? Consider how you answer the questions below to determine if you are
helping or enabling someone – be they children, spouse, partner, colleague,
parent, friend, client etc.:
• Has the person’s circumstances stayed the
same, gotten worse or improved?
For those in a caregiver role, keep in mind that people get worse because of
disease progression no matter what’s been tried. Yet, you do need to assess whether
they are doing what they need to do to take care of themselves as best as they
can.
If you are dealing
with a person who is abusing drugs or alcohol, while acknowledging that addiction
is a sickness, if they have not changed their behavior or gotten worse, take
note. Take the Quiz: Are You an Enabler for insight into what you might be doing.
• Is the person doing everything in their
power to change the situation?
• Why are you doing this? Is your need to be needed part of the
picture? Are fear, pity or guilt motivating factors? We all need a sense of
purpose and we do need to be needed. However, if your need is keeping them from
being as independent as they possibly can be, rethink what you are doing.
• Are you emotionally and/or physically
drained from the experience? If
you answer yes to this question you’ve given too much and chances are good
you’ve crossed over the helpful line. For caregivers, this is tiring and
demanding work. If you feel totally rung out by it, pay attention. You may not
be enabling the person who needs the care, but you may be enabling siblings or
other family who need to be stepping up to the plate to help in this
situation.
For those who work
in human services, burnout can be, and often is, very high. When you start
thinking things like, “I just paid their electric bill and they are showing off
their new tattoo,” or “I’m working everyday plus overtime, and all they do is
come in here and complain that we haven’t done enough for them” -enabling is at
play and your clients have learned or are learning to be dependent on others to
solve their problems, and or ways to get what they want, not necessarily what
they need.
When I was running an
HIV/AIDS program, we had a group of HIV+
women that acted as peer counselors-offering advocacy, healthcare navigation, support etc. One of our
slogans was “if you do, they don’t,” meaning if the peer makes decisions,
offers constant advise, remedies and solutions before long the person feels
powerless to solve their own problems. They can become more needy. In fact, it
becomes a viscous cycle, with people attracting more negative situations and
staying stuck.
It was interesting
to watch the peers as they learned first hand the line between enabling and
helping. Certainly blurry at times, some of the sickest women were the ones to
ask for empowerment training and made incredible peer counselors. They were
often very direct saying things like ,“It’s not my job to be stressin’ because
of the stupid shit your doing.” “Get off the pity-pot,” and the line that they
could only say, “It sucks to be you,” meaning “you created the problem, you fix
it.”
The best peers
quickly understood that it wouldn’t help them or the person they were working
with if they didn’t set boundaries, not become intimidated by threats, or live
in fear “that they might do something.” Not everyone made a good peer and there
were plenty of heated discussions about what was helpful and what was enabling.
Enabling can feel
like the right thing at the time since it may make you feel needed, loving and
kind. It’s also an easy way to avoid conflict and negative consequences. It can
make you feel less guilty. It may make life easier for the moment, as well as give you a sense of importance. The
bottom line is if your behavior is keeping them from doing what they can and
should be doing for themselves, or keeping them from getting the professional
help they need, you become part of the problem.
Enabling doesn’t
just pertain to individuals. It also extends to communities, organizations,
friends, co-workers, religious groups etc. Because it is a basic need for
humans to want to help one another, most communities have a wide array of social
support agencies, self help groups, community based organizations, churches,
families etc. that provide help. Thanks to HIPAA, and funding streams, there
isn’t a lot of discussion among these groups. Consequently it is very easy for certain
people to become very enabled by the very organizations that are designed to
help.
In truth, if you
have an ounce of compassion, chances are good you’ve probably enabled somebody
and have been enabled (co-dependent) yourself. Now and again okay, but when it
goes on where it is interrupting lives and causing problems, change is needed.
How to stop enabling:
• Accurately assess
and accept what you are doing. Completing Am I an enabler for someone else witha problem can help you clarify a bit better what exactly you might be doing
that is no longer helpful
• Draw clear and
concise boundaries. Be prepared to follow through with consequences-don’t make
idle threats. Stop cleaning up after them. Learn to say “no” and let them be
responsible for the choices they make.
• Accept the
responsibility for your behavior and no one else’s.
• Get support so you
don’t waiver.
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