I recently asked a
colleague and friend about a person whom she had provided considerable help to.
Her response was interesting. Besides recounting what she had done for this
person, which was considerable and well beyond the call of duty, she noted, She went home and a couple of months later she told me online that she
didn't have time for me now that she had friends where she lives who accepted
her "as is." That was the last time I had any contact with her. I
felt like I had gotten kicked in the gut and then slapped across the face.
In my response, I commented, when you provide support and help to people who are in
extremely vulnerable situations they will often reject you over time simply
because they don't want to be reminded of their one time dependence on you. I could have also
added that “over helping” can make people uncomfortable. Shame goes hand in
hand in many of these situations and if they are embarrassed
about how they behaved, they may keep their distance.
Shortly after this e-mail exchange, I listened to the
On Being Podcast of Adam Grant Successful Givers, Toxic Takes, and the Life We Spend at Work. Couldn’t
have been more timely. While his focus is on giving/helping in the workplace,
the same rules apply in other areas of one’s life, particularly as it pertains
to our kids and when we’re in the role of caregiver. These are two instances
where we are more likely to over help and not for the betterment of ourselves
or them.
I’ve watched parents literally make themselves sick trying
to provide for adult children. Sadly I know more than one caregiver who became
ill and died before their charge did. If anything, the following
recommendations are most important for those in these situations, because it’s
easy to go overboard, forget boundaries and absolutely expect something in
return.
In order to be helpful, and avoid being rejected
and/or burned out, consider the following:
• Help without the expectation of return or
benefit.
• Be productive in your helping by setting appropriate
boundaries, prioritizing who you will help (e.g. family, then job, friends,
community, etc.) and in what manner. You can’t be all things to all people. The
thinner you spread yourself, the less helpful you become. By the same token, by
focusing in areas where you have knowledge and expertise, people are more
likely to call on you for that type of help.
• Understand your own cues when you’re bordering on
giving too much or becoming burned out. Such signs may include:
- You
start resenting the person
- You find
your self saying things like “haven’t I done enough?”
- Caring
seems like a waste of energy.
- You
feel like nothing you do makes a difference or is appreciated.
• Empathy is a wonderful characteristic but if
you continually allow yourself to shift priorities because of other’s needs you
may end up short changing yourself. Selfless is not something you can sustain
for very long and remain productive and healthy. Keep in mind the flight
attendant’s message regarding the need for oxygen-“place the mask on your face
first before helping children and others around you.” In short, you are most
helpful when your needs are taken care of and you help from a position of
strength.
• Solicit others to help. This is particularly
important for caregivers and in situations where the need is great.
• They type of help you provide can change
relationships. Making a loan to a friend in financial difficulties alters the
dynamic of the relationship and not one that can be easily reversed. Think
carefully before doing this.
• Helping doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Adam
Grant has coined the phrase of the Five Minute Favor-something you can do
because it’s very helpful and it doesn’t take more than five minutes of your
time. It can be as simple as sending a check for membership to a condition
specific organization or writing a “hope you feel better” card or e-mail.
My favorite quote on the idea of being helpful comes
from the film critic Roger Ebert, who wrote the following towards the end of
his life. “Kindness” covers all of my political beliefs. No need to spell them out. I
believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something
to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little
happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a
crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to
contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our
health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this and am happy
I lived long enough to find it out.
Resources that might be of interest
• Adam Grant’s Website: Be sure to check out his
newsletter and Facebook page
