While many of my
posts include a “consider this” component, this one doesn’t as it’s a piece of
my own journey in struggling with anger. I write it in the hopes that some may
find it useful and to hear how others have coped with similar situations.
For almost a year,
my husband and I have been dealing with a tenant who has not only done
considerable damage to our property but has been the source of significant loss
of income at a time when we could ill afford it. Because of proximity of the rental to our home, I’m
reminded of it each and every day. More than the money, the toll it’s taking on
us emotionally is far worse. The anger at something we have no control over
(Vermont laws are written with tenants’ rights first and foremost) was
literally making me sick
While friends,
neighbors and others commiserated with us, none of their “let it go,” “try not
to stress over something you can’t control” just wasn’t helping. In the midst
of this swirling vortex of negative emotions, I happened to read something a
friend posted about the difference between successful and unsuccessful people.
Successful people Unsuccessful
Have a sense of
gratitude Have
a sense of entitlement
Forgive others Hold a grudge
Give others credit
for their victories Take all the credit for their
victories
Accept
responsibility for failure Blame
others for their failures
Compliment Criticize
Talk about ideas Talk
about people
Want others to
succeed Secretly
hope others fail
Share information Horde
information
Exude joy Exude
anger
Continually learn Think
they know it all
Embrace change Fear
Change
As I read this, I
realized two things- the “unsuccessful list” described the tenant to a T and my
negative thinking about the situation was leading me down the same path. That thought alone helped be see things in a
new way.
I have certainly
faced adversity and anger before and in looking back could see how those
situations had a number of positive outcomes. What good could come from this
situation? That answer was simple-my husband has agreed to no longer rent,
something I’ve been trying to get him to do for years. I don’t enjoy cleaning
up my own messes, let alone someone else’s.
The third component
of healing was including the tenants in my daily Loving Kindness Mediation or
metta, a tradition that dates back thousands of years. If you’ve never
tried it, check out Sylvia Boorstein’s short video. Over the years of doing this, I have modified
the phrasing to the following:
May you be safe and
secure
May you be strong
and healthy
May you be content
and centered
May you live with
ease knowing joy, love, peace and purpose
Again there were two
things about this that I noticed-when I thought about getting “pay back” for
what they have done, and continue to do, it didn’t result in my being a calmer or saner
in fact it made me feel crazier. However, by listening to the words in my daily
metta, I could easily see that if these components were part of the tenants’
life they would be in the “successful column” and wouldn’t need to be so
destructive to themselves and others around them.
A friend made an
interesting comment about the metta. Maybe
when doing metta, if including whoever is causing us anger etc. gets us in too
many knots - try more simply "May you do no harm to those around you"
as opposed to the other well wishes. And, which you probably know, doing some
empathetic joy practice can really help - envisioning them as a young child
innocent and joyful. That's been working pretty well for me. It sort of opens
me up. Also suggested, was doing spacious, open awareness practices. Isn't it a
drag that whatever works, takes time. Sigh... The “May
you do no harm” definitely seemed like a very good phrase to include.
Ultimately, it’s
their work to get from living an “unsuccessful” life to a “successful” one.
It’s my responsibility to make sure that I don’t allow them to drag me into
their “un success.”
Rest assured that
I’m not always calm about this situation, but I’m handling it a lot better than
I was a few weeks ago.
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