Friday, April 5, 2019

Life with Chronic Conditions: No Matter the Loss You Can Love Again


Life is both dangerous and fleeting, and thus there is no point in denying yourself pleasure or adventure while you are here.

I had a totally different post for this week. Then I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s piece on finding love after the devastating death of her partner Rayya Elias. If you aren’t familiar with Gilbert, she’s the author of “Eat, Pray, Love.”

Working in a field where loss is a common occurrence, I’ve seen many people, after a bad break up, death of a significant person, or even the loss of bodily function due to disease, believe they can never love again. Maybe they don’t think they deserve love in the first place. Maybe they don’t understand that it’s okay and even normal to fall in love and grieve at the same time. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

Gilbert’s recent post about finding love a little over a year after her beloved Rayya’s death is a breath of fresh air and a reminder that we are not meant to mourn forever. As I wrote in the post Is Counseling Necessary to Cope with a Crisis?  Life altering events have taken place since we evolved as a species and there is considerable evidence that our brains are wired to help make adjustments and be resilient. In fact, mucking with the process might just make things worse.  One of the  leading research scientists on grief, George Bonanno notes The good news is that for most of us, grief is not overwhelming or unending. As frightening as the pain of loss can be, most of us are resilient.

It’s a beautiful spring day in my corner of the world, life is everywhere bursting forth with a sense of rebirth and renewal, and this seems like as good a moment as any to tell you that I am in love. Please meet my sweetheart, Mr. Simon MacArthur. He’s a photographer from the U.K. — a beautiful man who has been a friend of mine for years. (Even more touchingly, Simon was a beloved friend of Rayya’s for decades. They lived together in London over 30 years ago, and they adored each other forever like siblings. This, as you can imagine, means the world to me.)

Of late, Simon and I have found our way to each other’s arms. And now here we are, and his heart has been such a warm place for me to land. I share this news publicly, despite the fact that our love story is so new and young and tender,for a few reasons.

For one thing, I just wanted to say: If you see me walking around with a tall handsome man on my arm, don’t be buggin’. Just know that your girl is happy, and following her heart. But also this: I will always share anything personal about my life, if it could help someone else feel more normal about their life.

SO...if you have lost a loved one to death, and you thought you’d never love again, but you are feeling a pull of attraction toward someone new, and you’re not sure if that’s OK? Let me normalize it for you. Let me say: It’s Ok. Your heart is a giant cathedral. Let it open. Let it love. Do not let your beautiful loyalty to the deceased stop you from experiencing the marvels and terrors of your short, mortal, precious life. It’s OK to live, and to love. Or...if you are falling in love in middle age and it’s terrifying, because you feel just as dumb and crazy and excited and insecure as you did at 16? Well, let me normalize this for you. It’s OK. You will always feel 16 when you are falling in love. Or...if you once loved a man  and then you loved a woman, and then you loved a man, and you’re wondering if that’s ok? Well, darling. Let me normalize that for you. It’s OK.

Love who you love. It’s all OK, and it’s all impossible to control, and it’s all an adventure that I will not miss. That’s all I wanted to say. Onward, and I love you all.











No comments:

Post a Comment