Life is both dangerous and fleeting, and thus there is no point in denying yourself pleasure or adventure while you are here.
I
had a totally different post for this week. Then I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s
piece on finding love after the devastating death of her partner Rayya Elias.
If you aren’t familiar with Gilbert, she’s the author of “Eat, Pray, Love.”
Working
in a field where loss is a common occurrence, I’ve seen many people, after a
bad break up, death of a significant person, or even the loss of bodily
function due to disease, believe they can never love again. Maybe they don’t
think they deserve love in the first place. Maybe they don’t understand that
it’s okay and even normal to fall in love and grieve at the same time. They
aren’t mutually exclusive.
Gilbert’s
recent post about finding love a little over a year after her beloved Rayya’s
death is a breath of fresh air and a reminder that we are not meant to mourn
forever. As I wrote in the post Is Counseling Necessary to Cope with a Crisis? Life
altering events have taken place since we evolved as a species and there is
considerable evidence that our brains are wired to help make adjustments and be
resilient. In fact, mucking with the process might just make things worse. One of the leading research scientists on grief, George
Bonanno notes The
good news is that for most of us, grief is not overwhelming or unending. As
frightening as the pain of loss can be, most of us are resilient.
It’s a beautiful spring day in my corner of the world, life
is everywhere bursting forth with a sense of rebirth and renewal, and this
seems like as good a moment as any to tell you that I am in love. Please meet
my sweetheart, Mr. Simon MacArthur. He’s a photographer from the U.K. — a
beautiful man who has been a friend of mine for years. (Even more touchingly,
Simon was a beloved friend of Rayya’s for decades. They lived together in
London over 30 years ago, and they adored each
other forever like siblings. This, as you can imagine, means the world to me.)
Of late, Simon and I have found our way to each other’s
arms. And now here we are, and his heart has been such a warm place for me to
land. I share this news publicly, despite the fact that our love story is so
new and young and tender,for a few reasons.
For one thing, I just wanted to say: If you see me walking
around with a tall handsome man on my arm, don’t be buggin’. Just know that
your girl is happy, and following her heart. But also this: I will always share
anything personal about my life, if it could help someone else feel more normal
about their life.
SO...if you have lost a loved one to death, and you thought
you’d never love again, but you are feeling a pull of attraction toward someone
new, and you’re not sure if that’s OK? Let me normalize it for you. Let me say:
It’s Ok. Your heart is a giant cathedral. Let it open. Let it love. Do not let
your beautiful loyalty to the deceased stop you from experiencing the marvels
and terrors of your short, mortal, precious life. It’s OK to live, and to love.
Or...if you are falling in love in middle age and it’s terrifying, because you
feel just as dumb and crazy and excited and insecure as you did at 16? Well,
let me normalize this for you. It’s OK. You will always feel 16 when you are
falling in love. Or...if you once loved a man and then you loved a woman, and then you loved a man, and
you’re wondering if that’s ok? Well, darling. Let me normalize that for you.
It’s OK.
Love who you love. It’s all OK, and it’s all impossible to
control, and it’s all an adventure that I will not miss. That’s all I wanted to
say. Onward, and I love you all.
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