Life with Chronic Disease: You are not a victim

A large part of my career has involved understanding resiliency. A few weeks ago, I came across a TED Talk by Lucy Hone. It’s one of the best talks I’ve seen on resiliency in a long time and recommend watching it. 

 

In a nut shell, through her own story of incredible loss, even armed with an extensive background in resiliency-she trained under the father of positive psychology, Martin Seligman-Hone found that while intentions were good, people were basically trying to turn her into a victim.

Instead, Hone took a different approach, one largely discussed by the ancient Stoic philosophers, embraced today by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and being proven by the ever expanding field of neuroscience.

These are the take home points:

• We are wired to be resilient. There are strategize that work and they can help you through the tough times. We are not “helpless” in the face of suffering.

• Pain and adversity are part of everyone’s life. You are not being discriminated against because you have an illness, lost a job, or had a loved one die. Shit happens to absolutely everyone. The more you nurse “why me,” the more you self-choose pain and the less likely you will be successful in healing and living the life that is possible for you.

• Choose where you focus your attention/Accept the Good: We live in a world where everything is viewed as a threat and our ancient brains react accordingly. Our stress response is dialed up so no wonder the slightest thing can set us over the edge. Time to dial up the “good.” As Hone notes, Resilient people are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention. They have a habit of realistically appraising situations and typically managing to focus on the things they can change, and somehow accepting the things that they can’t. This is a vital, learnable skill…. Being able to also focus your attention to the good has been shown by science to also be a powerful strategy. …One day when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me, I distinctly remember thinking: “No, you do not get to get swallowed up by this. You have to survive. You’ve got so much to live for. Choose life, not death. Don’t lose what you have to what you have lost.” This is where practicing gratitude is really helpful. Listing three good things daily is helpful for some people. Just remind yourself daily what’s good in your world.

• Ask yourself “ is what I’m doing helping or harming?” Whether it is forgiving family ancient transgressions, arguments from Christmases past, or whether it is just trolling through social media, whether it is asking yourself whether you really need that extra glass of wine, asking yourself whether what you’re doing the way you’re thinking, the way you’re acting is helping or harming you, puts you back in the driver’s seat. It gives you some control over your decision-making.

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .” Epictetus