Life with Chronic Conditions: How to Ask for Help

After a fire, with our home and life in shambles, I had no hesitancy to ask for help. However, my husband, who has the old Yankee mentality of “self-reliance,” was dead set against it.

Fortunately, we have a great community and good friends, who showed up and just started pitching in. Several days later, my husband mused, “You know all those extra brain cells we are supposed to get? I think they are really your friends who come and have different ideas about how to do something. A lot of times their ideas are much better than your own.”

The months of fire recovery taught me the critical importance of asking for help when needed and to be there for others when they are in need. The bonding that happened with friends and neighbors is something I’ll treasure forever. It also gave me a boost in believing in the goodness of people.

As far as my husband, he’s improved a bit on this score, but he still doesn’t like to ask for directions. 

In her book, MayDay! Asking for Help in Times of Need, M. Nora Klaver notes “Most people have never been taught how to ask properly. So we do it badly, sometimes using guilt, coercion and blackmail. We solicit pity when we want assistance, or we ask the wrong person. We might have felt humiliated doing it in the past, so we fear doing it in the future.”

Other reasons we don’t ask for help include:

 • Don’t want to appear needy, dependent, weak, or incompetent

• Fear of rejection or losing control

• Don’t want to put others out

• Feeling ashamed

• Don’t want to face the fact that help is needed

• Concerned about the potential energy drain when others are involved

• Don’t know how to ask for help

Not asking when you need help deprives you of assistance but it also doesn’t allow someone the opportunity to be useful. People like to be needed and want to help.

 As Klaver suggests, We can view the intimidating act of asking for help as a gesture of hope and optimism and not one of despair and misery…Calling "Mayday" deepens connections; reduces stress and restores energy; reminds us that we are not alone; gives happiness to others; leads to personal growth; allows the pleasure of surrender; demonstrates that we're worthy of support; lets others shine; clarifies relationships and solves problems. So what's to resist?

Consider the following when asking for help:

• Make a list of  people that you know that could be helpful. Consider people who are friends, family, neighbors, community members, support group members, co-workers, medical providers, school groups, and those you think may have specific knowledge that you may not have. For example, if you need home repairs that you can’t afford, your local community action agency may be the place to call. Keep in mind that people who are active in the community, and you know have helped others, are often good resources for what’s available locally. Don’t hesitate to contact them.

• If you have multiple needs, ask someone you trust if they can help organize help. The free website Lotsa Helping Hands is a great way to coordinate such things as rides, dinners, getting kids to school, yard chores etc. I’ve used this site a lot to help families and I find it’s much easier to have a friend or family member be the lead administrator, with the person in need being a co-administrator. One frustration I’ve found is the person in need will say no to a website like Lotsa Helping Hands, which is unfortunate. Other strategies like group e-mails and texts, while certainly easier than a lot of phone calls, takes more time then using an online community care site.

• Use friends and family to help you identify and quantify your needs. Make a list.

• Match need with strengths. If you have a friend that’s great with paperwork, see if they are willing to help out by handling this once a month.

• Remember you have to ask for help. People can’t read your minds and many are so busy with their own lives, they may not recognize that you need help. And if they do recognize your need, they may be unsure of what is the best way to support you.

If you want a yes, do it in person.  If you can’t get “facetime,” make a phone call. In today’s world, people have specific ways they like to be contacted. Be aware of that and approach them accordingly. Avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes. Expressions like “I really hate bothering you” makes it an uncomfortable situation for the person.

Watch Heidi Grant’s TED Talk: How to Ask for Help and Get a Yes for more tips.

• Be specific. Provide date and time, where you are going, how long you need to be there etc. The more relevant information you can provide, the easier it is for people to see if they can help you.

• Listen. Pay attention to their response.

•  If you are asking people to drive you, pick up groceries, or some other service that needs to be paid for, having cash on hand will help offset these expenses.

• Apply the “three thanks” rule: say thank when they agree to help, when they’ve helped you and at a later date. Sending personal notes, arranging a thank-you lunch are all very nice touches that people appreciate. The more you let them know how their assistance helped you, the better they will feel about helping again.

Other Resources to Check Out

M. Nora Klaver-5 Reasons We Don’t Ask for Help 

I Get By with aLittle Help from My Friends