Recently, I was expressing concern for a person who was unable to make a decision, to which my friend noted, “they don’t know how to turn the page.” Best description I’ve heard in a while about the inability to act.
When you are
affected by a chronic condition, the disease can over take so many aspects of
one’s life, it’s very easy to get stuck on the “last paragraph” and can’t quite
manage to flip the page, whether it’s about how to manage one’s care, to
telling your boss about your illness, making a move etc. So today’s post is all
about “turning the page.”
What keeps
us stuck: While each of
us has a variation on the theme, being” frozen” is rooted in fear, which can
lead to anxiety, depression and in action.
Identifying
fears: Fear can come in
many forms including fear of: Rejection; Intimacy; Failure or success; Losing
control; past events dictating a negative future; worse case scenarios,
such as death, declining health; lost job; public speaking; making the wrong
choice; what others might think; saying the wrong thing; being exposed as an
imposter; commitment; missing out. Any of these ringing a bell? This is by no means the end all and be all of
fear lists, but it’s enough to help you start identifying what might be holding
you back.
Fears are
Often Based in Our Judgement & Opinion: Our fears can be based in, as well as trigger, distortions
in how we see things. Are any of these relevant to you?
• Ignoring
all the positives and just focusing on the negatives
• It’s all or
nothing, black or white no shades in between
• Over
generalizing. A single incident causes you to think the same thing will happen
again so you don’t try.
• Jumping to
conclusions. Draw conclusions based on little or no information.
• Similar to
jumping to conclusion, you make an event catastrophic when in fact that’s not
the case. The opposite is also true, you under estimate what you might be doing
that’s positive
• Believing
that you are responsible for events that happen to others
• Believing
that everything is in your control or believing you have no control and it’s
all external forces
• Expecting
that everything should be fair
• You’re never
at fault. You always have a reason why you aren’t wrong.
• It’s
important that you always be right
• Strong
beliefs in how one should behave to the point of extreme frustration if others,
as well as yourself, don’t act a certain way
• Believing
that how we feel is fact-I feel it, therefore it must be true.
• Happiness
depends on other people and their unwillingness to change or do what we want causes
considerable frustration
• Sacrifice and
self-denial pays off with a big reward
Page
Turners: Consider some
of the following to help you “turn the page.”
•
Journaling/listing/writing:
Whatever format works for you is fine, but identify the areas where you are
stuck and what fears you may be associating with them is step 1.
As you look at
your list, ask yourself the following:
-
What
are the chances this will actually happen? Would you bet money on this
happening?
-
What’s
the worse/best that you could happen? Maybe you are in a turmoil about trying a
new medication. Write down the worse-case scenarios (if I don’t try the new
meds I could get a lot sicker; could spend a lot of money and it might not
work). Now write down the best possible outcome (My health will significantly
improve and I can once again do many of the things I couldn’t do before.).
-
Do
I have the information I need to think what I’m thinking? For the example
above, how much money would it cost for the new medication? Are their
discounts? Have you discussed with your provider the benefits and risks of a
new med?
-
Apply
the one week to five year rule. Will the decision I make have an impact in a
week, a month, a year or five years? If it really isn’t going to have much of
an impact, let it go. You have better things to do with your time then worry
about something that won’t matter in the long run.
-
Do I have control over the
situation? Often times we obsess over things we have no control over. We have
no control over the fact that Covid-19 is part of our life at the moment.
Obsessing and being fearful isn’t going to help you, while wearing a mask,
socially distancing, washing your hands, staying home if you are sick, and other measures do make a difference.
Journaling can
be helpful on multiple levels. Writing daily about what’s going on in your life
can give you new insights and help to identify issues before they become major
problems.
• The 5
second rule: When
a decisions is needed, don’t think about it — just count 5-4-3-2-1 and decide.
This approach combines both thinking from your heart and your gut, not allowing
for overthinking. This can definitely
help getting over the fear of making decisions. It can also be used in a
variety of situations- such as should I exercise now; call a friend; ask for
help etc.
• Practice
Mindfulness/STOP: When
you feel particularly overwhelmed, practice
Stop, or pause
Take a breath
Observe how you feel-body,
thoughts, feelings, emotions, and physical sensations
Proceed with awareness
Sometimes we
get so caught up our bodies tense up and we don’t breathe properly. By
practicing STOP it brings us back to center.
• Understand
thoughts are just thoughts and not necessarily factual: Make a list of thoughts that you find
yourself dwelling on. Which ones are opinions and which are facts? e.g. If I stop taking my medication I’ll get
sicker is most likely a fact. Thinking your doctor will hate you because you
missed an appointment is an opinion. We have a lot of emotionally charged thoughts
and ideas but when we take a closer look at them, they aren’t factual but
rather emotional.
• Enlist
help: If you are really
stuck consider talking to a therapist/counselor, particularly one who is
trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). If it’s a health related
decision that you need to make, check with your care provider if there is a
shared decision office/counselor you can speak with. If you are part of a
support group, talk to them, and/or ask a friend for help.
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