Who’s responsible for making us feel better?

“No matter what I do, I can’t seem to change his outlook about his health. He really isn’t that bad off.”

A few weeks ago, a spouse of someone living with a chronic condition made this comment to me. So how many friends, caregivers, or family members, assume they are in some way responsible for making someone feel better? Is it the responsibility of the caregiver to try and make the person they are caring for happy, have a better outlook or more hopeful? Attitude is extremely important in healing, yet who is responsible for creating and maintaining it?

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, the Harvard neuro scientist, who detailed her experience of having a stroke and recovery in the book “My Stroke of Insight,” was very clear about the impact people had on her. “I needed my visitors to bring me their positive energy. Since conversation was obviously out of the question, I appreciated when people came in for just a few minutes, took my hand in theirs and shared softly and slowly how they were doing, what they were thinking, and how they believed in my ability to recover. It was very difficult for me to cope with people who came in with high anxious energy. I really needed people to take responsibility for the kind of energy they brought. We encouraged everyone to soften their brow, open their heart, and bring me their love. Extremely nervous, anxious or angry people were counter-productive to my healing. “

This sounds like excellent advise for visiting someone in the hospital who is very sick.

One of my friends, who I worked with in AIDS, was forever telling us to “bring your best self to the table.” What she meant was to be as positive as we could possibly be and that if we all tried to do it, we’d get a lot further then being angry, fearful etc. Many days this approach worked, and worked well. However, like daily caregiving, there were many very stressful moments where it was hard to stay positive and upbeat.

Ultimately, we are each responsible for how we feel. We can’t change someone, we can only change how we respond to them. In many ways, this is very similar to the post I wrote in July “They don’t take care of themselves.” As much as we’d like to, we can’t “kiss it and make it better.”

There is another twist on this topic that needs to be recognized. How we perceive someone and how they view themselves can be as different as night and day. The initial comment above was made by a wife that is forever concerned that their spouse is not caring for themselves properly-they don’t get enough exercise, eat the right foods etc. Having spent time around this couple, my perception is that the spouse with the chronic condition is doing quite well and has a very positive take on their situation. I’ve learned the hard way though, never comment in situations like this. That's why they pay the marriage and couples counselors the big bucks.

While we are responsible for how we feel, we are also responsible for our behavior. Making shaming comments, “guilt tripping” , or saying things like “I told you this would happen!” isn’t going to make anyone feel good about themselves or their situation. By the same token, I don’t know a parent, spouse, or friend that hasn’t uttered the “I told you so” comment out of frustration. Ultimately, we need to be as mindful as possible of what we say and do, and try to daily “bring our best selves to the table.”

In researching this post, I came across an interesting article by a cancer patient, who is also a stand up comic. Might find it interesting reading-How Not to Cheer Up a Cancer Patient.