Balancing Giving and Receiving

You must be continually giving - and getting. You cannot hold on to your seed. You must sow it - and reap anew. Robert Collier

I’ve been trying to write a post on giving and receiving for over a year now. Like many, I was raised with the adage, “It is better to give then to receive,” but have found over the years this really isn’t such a good idea.

Whether a medical provider, caregiver, family member, friend or patient, if you are always giving and not allowing yourself to receive, you shouldn’t be surprised by feelings of despair, anger, resentment, frustration, being overwhelmed and experiencing physical symptoms of stress. It’s not surprising that the spouses of critically ill patients, end up with health issues of their own after long stretches of care giving. If all the energy goes out, there is nothing in reserve.

Focusing on a different definition of “well,” might be a useful reminder of the importance of balancing giving with receiving. If you depend on a well for your source of water, as I do, it must be monitored regularly. If too much water is drawn out, it can run dry and you’ll go thirsty. If there is too much pouring in, which can happen in the spring rains and/or snow melting, the water can become contaminated with bacteria. In short, you need a certain level of water and type for the well to function properly-a steady flow in both directions.

If you are sick, having a flare of a chronic illness, you may feel like you are asking a great deal of others. However, there is much you can offer those to help you maintain well-being:
• Let people know you are grateful for their time and help. Tell them when you see them. Send a card, e-mail, or phone them. Recently, a friend’s parent died. In her note, thanking me for the basket I had dropped off, she let me know how much she appreciated talking to me through the difficult times of her parent’s illness. The note was wonderful enough, but she bumped it up a notch by enclosing a gift card for gas.

• If you can afford to, things like gas cards (provided they drive), and gift certificates to stores and restaurants they use are always appreciated.

• Ask them how they are doing. One woman I advocated for would always ask how I was doing as well as my family. She was very attentive and in subsequent inquiries, her comments always reflected how well she listened.

• If they are taking you to and from medical appointments, pay for their gas, take them to lunch, or bring something that they may like e.g. fruit, flowers, cookies etc.

• If you have the energy and time, make them something special. It could be a craft item, food, a CD etc.

• Celebrate their interests. Whether it’s a birthday, the victory of their favorite sport’s team, or a child’s graduation, acknowledge it.

• Pick flowers from your garden. Share a plant or a plant clipping.

If you are the caregiver, medical provider, friend or family member, be open to receiving from those you are caring for. Just the other day, I mentioned to a provider how helpful she had been to me. Her immediate comment was a bit of embarrassment, followed by the acknowledgment that, “I’m not good at receiving compliments.”

Having felt that way myself, it’s taken me a while to learn that in order for the other person to be comfortable giving, I have to be a willing and receptive receiver. A simple response of “Thank you for letting me know that. I’m glad I can be of help to you,” not only acknowledges their “gift” of thanks has been received; it also lets them know you valued it. Basically, both of you walk away with a warm glow.

If I were going to promote an adage, it would be the Golden Rule “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” In short, if you wish to receive, be a willing giver. If you wish to give, be a willing receiver.