Your Best Is More than Good Enough

This past week, I watched Brene Brown’s presentation “The Power of Vulnerability” at the TED Conference. A social worker, while doing research on how people feel connected, Brown came across an interesting finding. So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection. The things I can tell you about it: it's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection.

When I heard her say this, I thought of the hugh amount of shame I have witnessed in people who are living with chronic and/or life threatening conditions and how destructive it is.

Before I go too far, I’d like to back up to my own childhood.

While I was labeled “dyslexic” with “learning problems, “ I prefer the term non-traditional learner. I absolutely could learn, not necessarily in the manner that the majority of my classmates did.

I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade and I remember my parents talking to me about my report card, while at the same time glaring over my head at my older brother. He had mostly A’s but had failed Deportment and Effort. My grades were the complete reverse of his. Patting me on the head, my parents assured me that I was just fine, “as long as you try and do your best.”

Just because I learned differently didn’t make me an idiot. I quickly realized that my best wasn’t very good. Needless to say, I felt ashamed.

As an adult, I hated it when people said “just do your best,” or “you gave it your best shot.” These phrases implied to me that while they may get an A in for Effort, they were almost assured to be falling short of the mark.

It took me until adulthood to see that my style of learning had some very unique gifts. Because I don’t think like most people, a real draw back in school, I make an excellent problem solver for the traditional thinker/learner. For years I have worked as a consultant to organizations. Since I don’t look at things the same way they do, it’s easier for me to figure out a different approach.

Several years ago, a friend of mind asked me how I could see solutions so easily. “I’m just wired that way,” I responded. What I didn’t realize as a young child is that my best was in fact more than good enough. What I was meant to do, was not the same as my brother or my classmates. My brother’s path led down the road to becoming a researcher/scientist in medicine. I too went into the medical field but from a whole different perspective. Both are needed. Both are of value. Both of us give it our best, and it is truly more than good enough.

Now back to the years working in AIDS. This was a diagnosis that carried with it tremendous stigma and judgment, particularly in the early years of the epidemic. A number of the men and women I worked with had limited self-esteem to begin with, which was compounded when they were diagnosed. Because of their shame, it was not uncommon for them to be reluctant to date, if they were single, or to be in abusive relationships.

Working with people with all sorts of diagnoses, I know that shame isn’t limited to a particular diagnosis. Some feel guilty because they contributed to their illness-e.g. a smoker who develops lung cancer. Others are ashamed about appearance-e.g. a person with a motion disorder who stumbles and shakes. Still others are upset with themselves about the impact their health condition is having on their family. Many are embarrased that their body is failing them.

At the same time I was watching people self destruct because they had so little regard for themselves, I watched the power house men and women who took on the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), formed AIDS service organizations and were willing to stand up and say, “I’m a person living with AIDS!” They were not AIDS victims or sufferers. They were people living with a disease, not being defined by it. These were amazing humans. Their energy was infectious and I stood in awe. They made mistakes, got pissed off, cried, stamped their feet, made eloquent speeches, fell in love, got divorced, got married, had kids, returned to college, joined committees, dropped off boards to start new ones, and proceeded to live life with tremendous vigor.

At one point, two HIV+ women on my board had dated the same guy who was a “neggie”(HIV negative). I told them they had wrecked this man for non-infected gals, as they were among the most engaging people you’d ever want to meet. They were clear they had no idea how much time they had, but while they were able to, they wanted to enjoy every minute of it. If you were in their orbit, they wanted you to experience their level of joy. After all, who wants to hang out with a “downer?” as they would say. They weren’t going to waste time on people that didn’t respect them, or devalued them because of their diagnosis.

This isn’t unique to AIDS, as I see it all the time in the people I work with. People who believe they have value, who seek out friendships, participate in support groups, are willing to be both givers and receivers (that’s last week’s post), and recognize nearly all of us will develop something,-and this is just their something- thrive.

Brene Brown writes on her website, Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone; I am enough.

It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

Do you let your condition define you? Are you ashamed of it? Do you isolate yourself from others because of it? If you are answering yes to one or more of these questions, there are things you can do.

While this blog has been designed to address many aspects of living with a chronic condition, check out Care of the Whole Person, which is a good summary sheet. I will be giving this handout its yearly update in March. Please let me know what you think should be added, changed, deleted.

The final “take home point” of this post is this. The next time someone says, “Do your best.” Remember that your best is more than good enough. As Brown would say, “I am enough.”