Saturday, April 23, 2011

What do We Mean by “We’re Too Busy?”

In the past several weeks, I’ve heard the expression, “But I’m just soooooo busy,” enough times to stop and think just what are we saying when we say “I’m too busy,” or “I can only be in one place at a time,” “there just aren’t enough hours in the day,” or, “I just have too much on my plate!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at an article I read in the New York Times about “Crazy Busy,” where the author writes, One way to wrestle back control is to take a hard look at our priorities, he said, “to decide what matters.” This does not necessarily mean big career changes or moving from Manhattan to rural Vermont.

I live in rural Vermont and people are even more “crazy busy” then many of my friends in the city. Here the excuse is spring and the need to do all the outside work you didn’t get done because of the snow. In the winter, there are at least five other “too busy” excuses, with the first three having to do with snow and the other two with hauling wood. That’s the one thing about living in Vermont, if all else fails, blame it on snow.

This past weekend, I spent Sunday lying on the couch watching old movies. I did Qigong, went for a nice walk, thought about doing the wash but didn’t, and in general had a low-key day. If someone called and wanted to know if I was available, would I have used the “I’m too busy” excuse if I didn’t want to be bothered? If it was something I really didn’t want to do, but thought I should be doing, I may have fallen back on this very accepted excuse.

This reminded me of a story the nuns told us in grade school. If a salesman came to the door and your mother told you to say, “My mother’s not here,” even though she was in the kitchen, you would not be telling a lie. Basically, even though your mother was at home, she wasn’t at home for the salesman. So if we ask someone for help, to do something with us, have dinner, and so forth, and the reply is “I’m too busy,” are they really saying “I’m too busy for you?”

While this last sentence looks like something Carrie Bradshaw would write for one of her columns in “Sex and the City,” the “too busy” comes in a variety of forms and can mean different things depending on the person and circumstances. I’ll be right up front by saying I have lots of questions and few answers on this subject.

Socially, if I hear the “too busy excuse” more often than not, I stop calling or e-mailing. People that care about getting together, will take five minutes to respond. There are many convenient ways to do that. Of course your convenient (e-mail, texting, phone call) way may not be theirs, but that’s a conversation for another day.

In work situations, I know that if it’s something I really am dreading doing or aren’t sure how to do it, it becomes part of the “too busy.”

We accept the “too busy” as a valid excuse. It’s a lot more socially acceptable to hear that versus “you aren’t important enough for me to make time for.” Yet, there are times when we’re all on overload.

While working as a lobbyist, the final days of the legislative session kept me at the capital building and sufficiently consumed that I had to buy clothes since I hadn’t the time to do wash. This was a rare occurrence for me, but I know people that do keep themselves this busy 24/7, 365 days of the year. Are they more important for being this busy? How productive can you really be if you never take a vacation? What does all this busyness led to?

Before exploring why we may keep ourselves on over drive, what does it mean for people with chronic conditions when we are “too busy” to get our blood work done, keep doctor’s appointments, take medications etc.? Is the “too busy,” or “I got too busy and forgot,” based on fear of what lab results might reveal? Could it be concerns over having to spend money you don’t have for an appointment or medications? Is denial part of it or “I just can’t think about it right now? or “I just want my old life back?”

“Keep busy” is a recommendation routinely made to people who are grieving, dealing with chronic illness, recently divorced or are experiencing something emotionally challenging, not easily resolved and/or has no resolution. While the brain is wired to try and keep us on a steady path, the hyper activity that some people engage in “coping” can completely de rail it.

As a child, we played a game where you spun around in a circle repeating “I’m busy getting dizzy,” until you fell because you were so dizzy. Is that what we’re doing now in terms of work, friendships, social engagements and even vacations? Are we starting to “fall down,” (including our economy) because we just can’t keep pace with fast food, fast cars, fast results, drive in, drive by, drive through, speed dating, high speed internet, power lifting, power yoga, circuit training, multi tasking and in general “life in the fast lane?”

Why are we doing this? There seems to be an over riding belief that our status is based on how busy we are. Admitting you aren’t busy, implies that you may be depressed, have no work or are just not doing well. There is also the fear that not being busy means you may have to deal with feelings of loneliness, sadness and other such difficult topics.

"To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to the violence of our times…Frenzy destroys our inner capacity for peace." While this could easily have been written today, as we have ever more technology to rob of us of time with our own thoughts, it was written by the Trappist Monk, Thomas Merton in 1960.

Whether you have fallen because you are “dizzy from being busy,” or figure you are about to, maybe you’ll want to consider these three things:

• Think about what you mean when you say “I’m too busy.” When it comes to your health care, the “too busy” excuse could significantly alter your life and not in a good way.

• When you are caught up in your busyness, ask yourself if what you’re doing will make a difference 10 minutes, 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years from now. Much of the “too busy” activities wont make a difference in 10 weeks, let alone 10 years, so how does that adjust your priorities?

• STOP-Stop. Take a breath. Observe and Proceed.

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