Whether it’s learning about a diagnosis, significant change in health status, the death of a loved one, job loss, or even just a terrible day at the office, we all need comfort at some point in our lives. So how do we go about comforting ourselves and others?
What made me consider writing on this particular topic is a passage from George Bonanno’s book “The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss,” which I happen to be reading at the moment.
“We are not accustomed to thinking of grief as a process of finding comfort. The idea seems a bit odd, but this is precisely what resilient people tend to do. Regardless of what the relationship was actually like, resilient people are generally better able to gain a feeling of comfort from remembering the relationship during bereavement. They are also more likely to find comfort in talking about or thinking about the deceased, which, they report, makes them feel happy or at peace.
People confronted with the pain of loss need comfort. We see this same need in just about anyone faced with aversive circumstances. Children who survive poverty or abused, for example, usually have someone in their life they can talk to, someone to lean on, someone they know will be there even when everything else seems to be falling apart. This person might be a close friend or confidant, or perhaps a positive adult figure. The availability to a disadvantaged child of a caring and supportive helper has such a salubrious effect, in fact, that it may even cancel out a genetic risk for depression. The same is true of adults exposed to potentially devastating events like war, assault, or natural disaster. They consistently fare better when they have other people to turn to.”
From the time we’re babies, we learn ways to self-comfort. As we get older, activities such as thumb sucking, are replaced by a variety of different techniques, such as taking a walk, eating chocolate (that is a food group isn’t it?), talking to a friend, watching television, having a drink (or more), yelling etc. Some ways are better than others. Some are effective for the moment only, and others can help to reorient us in our thinking and offer longer-term strategies for coping with a crisis.
If your current modes of self comfort work really well, share them via Facebook or the comment section below. If you need some new ideas, consider some of the following:
• Practice Compassion of Self and Others
- Sylvia Boorstein’s Compassionate Meditation
- Mindful Self Compassion (includes both written and audio instructions)
• Live in the present/Practice Mindfulness: Be aware of your present and not trying to relive the past or be in fear of the future.
• Engage the five senses: Walk in nature, so you see beauty and smell the freshness of the earth and sea. Listen to music or sounds that provide you with comfort. Some people find comfort listening to a talk by someone. Dharma Seed has a wealth of talks for free on-line, with over 2,000 alone from Spirit Rock. Have a special treat where you savor each bite. Engage the power of touch by hugging someone, taking a bath, pet an animal, sink into the comfort of a freshly made bed etc.
• Remind yourself not to ruminate. A friend, who happens to be a member of the clergy, told me that one of the strategies she used to cope with the death of her son was to remind herself that she didn’t need to think about it all the time. Giving herself scheduled breaks helped her a great deal.
• R.A.I.N: This is a very common acronym used in the mindfulness community to help people deal with strong emotion. This particular one is from “A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook."
“R” is to recognize when a strong emotion is present.
“A” is to allow or acknowledge that it is indeed there.
“I” is to investigate and bring self-inquiry to the body, feelings, and mind.
“N” is to non-identify with what’s there. This non-identification is very useful in that it helps to deflate the story and cultivates wise understanding in the recognition that the emotion is just another passing mind state and not a definition of who you are.
• Laugh. Be around people that make you laugh.
• Seek out friendships.
Having been so involved in the running of my town’s shelter after Irene, it was quickly apparent to me that people know instinctively what to do when they and others are in extreme crisis. There was no need for specialists, as we helped each other with the basics-shelter, warmth, food, hugs, and factual information as it was available.
Below are some comforting things you can do for others:
• Reach out to them by visiting, calling, sending a text, e-mail or a letter to them. Let them know they are important to you and that you are available for them. Nighttime is often the hardest for people, so scheduling a visit then or being available for a late night phone call is very helpful. Keep in mind that the more significant the loss, the more important it is for you to stay connected over a longer period of time. Don’t tell people that they can call you any time or tell them you’ll be in touch because you think it’s the “correct” thing to do. Only make promises you can keep.
• Be present. Listen to what they are saying. Sometimes all that is needed is just to be an attentive listener. Other times, they may want more of a dialogue. I know that when I was in the throes of deep grief over the death of a significant loved one, it helped me to hear the stories of others who had similar experiences. This was also true when I received the results of a medical test that scared the hell out of me. That said, be careful about sharing your experiences. At certain stages, they may just want to vent and all you need to do is listen. My sense is that women, more than men, tend to comfort each other by sharing their stories.
• Let them choose the topic: Trying to force someone to talk about their situation isn’t necessarily helpful. “You need to talk about it,” isn’t a golden rule. In fact, in some cases, it has the opposite effect.
• Food is a wonderful comfort item. This can be done in many forms-a delicious home cooked meal; dinner out at a favorite restaurant; gift certificate to a much loved eatery; a fruit basket; or a favorite dish that can be eaten at any time. Be mindful of what you offer as far as food. While manning the shelter following Irene, I thought if one more person brought brownies I was going to scream. As one volunteer pointed out, “we’re pissin’ into the Black River (the town’s sewer’s were destroyed) and feeding the town Dunkin Donuts.” Half the time people didn’t even know what they were putting in their mouths, so better they snack on healthy foods, like carrots and dip, grapes etc. Everybody has their own idea of what comfort food is, so try to bring what would be most appropriate. Ask them what they’d like.
• Help where it’s needed. There are things you can do that you know will make a difference without even asking-emptying the trash, taking out the garbage and recycling, washing dishes, cleaning etc.-and there are others where you do need their input. Offer to help as you have skills, time and the emotional energy to do so. Be careful about offering advice. Even if they ask for it, just be mindful of what you are saying.
• Give assurances. When someone is dealing with a major crisis, they can exhibit some pretty over the top behavior. This can be scary for you to witness and even more frightening to the person. However, this is often very temporary and one of the most comforting things you can say is “you are having a normal reaction to a very abnormal set of circumstances.” In general, it takes about a week to 10 days for the brain to shift to the “new normal.” Letting them know they wont always feel this bad can be a real help. If a person is still exhibiting extreme behavior after six months since the event, or is trying to harm themselves or others, get professional help. Note that six months is currently considered the minimal time passage for identifying a prolonged grief reaction. “As much as might want to encourage a person to seek treatment after a loss, we can’t reliably determine whether there is a true psychological problem until at least six months have passed.” Bonanno, George “The Other Side of Sadness” pg 110
• Encourage the basics of getting up, brushing teeth, eating, dressing, taking a short walk, going to bed etc.
• Engage in activities that they generally enjoy.
• Laugh.
As always, when you are in a position of helping others through difficult situations, take care of yourself. If you don’t, your effectiveness dwindles rapidly.
Other posts related to this topic:
Ten Things I learned from Irene
Six Months Later: Learning from Crisis
Is Counseling Necessary to Cope with a Crisis?
Dilemma: Your Opinion whether it’s been asked for or not
How to Respond When Someone is Ill or Injured
Healing the Whole Person: Ways to Increase Well-Being
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