The expression “boomerang kids” is used as a
description of adult children who return home because they can’t afford a place
of their own. Estimates are that 19% of those between the ages of 25 to 34 live
with parents. So far, I haven’t found a statistic on the percentage of these
young adults who need to be at home because of a serious health issue, which is
the focus of this post.
Adult children can range from a college student
to a middle age adult, whose spouse and children may also need a place to live.
Clearly, there are different expectations and issues for a child that has
barely left to go to college versus a 40 or 50 year old returning because they need
help dealing with their illness or injury.
I wish I could say that I found one really
great resource to help families in this situation, but so far I haven’t found
it. Below are strategies, ideas and resources to consider. Please post
additional ideas.
Before
they Move In-Have a family meeting, discuss expectations and finances, and have
an “exit” strategy. Be clear who is included in this
relocation- your child, spouse/partner, and/or children. Hold a family meeting
with all of those that will be involved in this new living arrangement. Identify
up front what some of their special needs might be. How long will they need to
live with you? Are you expected to be a caregiver? Can you physically do it?
What about care of young children? Are you going to be expected to help with a
car pool?
Be as clear as possible about your finances as
well as your adult child’s. If helping your child places an undue strain on
your finances, are there other resources and people who can help? Identify who
is going to pay for what. Since there are special programs that can help
someone in your child’s situation, identify appropriate organizations and
understand what you can expect. Keep in mind that your adult child should pay
for what they can, when they can for as long as they can.
What type of accommodations will be needed in
the home? Do they need ramps built? What room(s) will they occupy? Food-will
they help with meal prep; are they on a special diet; will they purchase their
own food?
While there are some situations where it is
difficult to develop an exit strategy, in most cases, be clear about how long
the living arrangement is needed. For example, a 35 year- old son needs four
months of chemotherapy. Discuss up front how long he may need to recover after
treatment and agree to a four to seven month living arrangement.
In short, pre plan as much as possible. Before
you meet, develop your list of questions, concerns, expectations and have them
do the same.
Don’t
Pay Their Medical Expenses: If you start paying for their medication and treatment, you can quickly
spiral into poverty. "The difference
between wealth and poverty for families in the throes of this process is
eighteen months," Laura says. "No matter how much money you have, you
can't sustain a rare catastrophic disease." Her advice is to NEVER pay a
bill for your child. The minute you can breathe after being told the diagnosis,
find a social security/Medicaid lawyer to help you get help. The alternative is
abject poverty. Managing the disease costs millions. Coping with an AdultChild’s Debilitating Illness and Finding Joy
Use
Local and Community Resources. Use the Getting WhatYou Need Checklist to help identify what might be needed and where to go in your community to find
the resources you need. Also check out Healing the Whole Person: Ways toIncrease Well Being.
A woman I met at a caregiver’s support group
told an interesting story about how she managed when her adult daughter
returned home after being diagnosed with
advanced cancer. Since this doubled her caregiver load-her husband had a
serious chronic illness- the first thing she did was arrange for Meals on
Wheels. Now that her daughter is better, and she is taken on some of the care
of her father, they continue to use this food service as they like the food and
it gives them time to do other things.
Organize
Help and Support: I can’t stress enough the value of a LotsaHelping Hands website. It’s free and it allows
you to organize volunteers, who can provide rides, meals, childcare, chore services
and much more. Any combination of people- you, your child, or other family or
friends- can manage the site, which takes minimal time.
Developing
a support network is the first item on the Getting WhatYou Need Checklist for a reason. Talking to other people who are dealing with similar issues can
make your situation a lot more manageable.
Seek
out third party help if there is a break down in communication.
Parents and kids know how to push each other’s buttons. Seek help sooner than
later. Many health facilities have social workers and other personnel that can
help with this. Another source is your local church or ministry.
They’re
in Charge of their life. Even though they may be living under
your roof again, they are responsible for all health care decisions, finances
etc. If you want to be able to talk to their medical provider, they must agree
to this and take steps to make that possible.
As tempting as it might be, your child is an
adult and needs to plan his or her own life. Let them do it and encourage them
in the process.
Foster
Independence: If you do, they don’t do. Provide them as
many opportunities, as realistically possible, where they can do for
themselves.
Don’t
play the blame game: Sickness is part of life, so is the
current economic environment. There is no percentage in trying to hold yourself accountable for how they are responding to the current situation.
Take
care of yourself: If you don’t take care of yourself
first, you wont be in sufficient shape to help others.
Resources
Surviving Adult Children Living at Home: While
geared for children returning home because of finances, there are useful
articles for anyone dealing with adult children in the house. Also check out
the Facebook page of the same name.
When Adult Kids Move Back Home from AARP
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