At
the moment, I seem to know a number of people in the caregiving role and one
area where people have considerable difficulty is setting limits. Whether it’s a
spouse, child, friend, parent or a close friend, understanding limits and
boundaries is important for both you and the person that needs the help.
Things
to consider:
• Understand
from the get go that what they think they need can be completely different from
your take on the situation. Consequently, as long as they are cognitively able
to make decisions, it’s their choice no matter the outcome. It’s important to
accept that people make decisions and they need to deal with the consequences.
• Get
clear with yourself as early as possible about why you are taking on the
responsibility of caregiver. Ask yourself the following question:
- Do they want
me to be the caregiver?
- Is this
something I want to do or do I feel obligated to do it?
- Are there
other family and friends that can and should be doing this?
- What finances
are available?
- How much time
can I dedicate to being a caregiver without negatively impacting personal well
being, family and job?
- Is my self
worth tied up in this? In another words, if I do this, I’m a good person.
- Is caregiving
going to be a trigger for remembering past ills between yourself and the
individual in need of care?
- What aspects
of the caregiving responsibility do I think I can handle and what am I not
comfortable with?
- Is no one else
willing to step to the plate to do it, so I feel responsible?
It’s very important that the individual
is comfortable with you as their caregiver. At the same token, you need to be
vested in the process because it is something you want and can do without
negative consequences. Just being an
adult child, sibling or spouse doesn’t necessarily make you the right person to
take on the primary role of caregiver. You might be better suited for arranging
for personal care attendants, using advocates etc. and/or being supportive of
the primary caregiver.
One very important role, that is often
overlooked, is the person who can coordinate the responses of family, friends
and neighbors. It is amazing how many people are willing to lend a hand, and
truly “many hands make light work.” Money is often tight, so being able to
organize a good volunteer support team can lessen the burden significantly. If your talents are best suited for being the
administrator of a free Lotsa Helping Hands website, which can
organize volunteers to bring meals, provide rides, do chore services-shopping,
laundry, cleaning, etc., your contribution will be enormous.
• “No”
is a very important and realistic response. In the course of your relationship
with this person, chances are good they said “no” more than once to you. They
had their reasons then and you have valid reasons now. When appropriate, “just
say ‘No.”
On
the subject of ‘No,” sometimes people in need will reject your offer of help.
If they tend to go to others for assistance, take this as a sign they’ve made a
choice and let it be. Even if you think the caregiver they selected isn’t doing
a good job, as long as they are cognitively able, they have the right and
responsibility to pick and choose. If you believe the situation is dangerous,
and the person may not be competent, you can call the police asking for a
“welfare visit,” and/or contact adult protective services.
• When
people are sick or old, it can quickly become all about them, resulting in their
being extremely demanding. You are not their servant, so set boundaries and
stick to them. The more you allow them to bully you into doing something you
don’t want to do, the more they’ll do it.
• Caregiving
can be an emotional minefield. You can only be responsible for your own
emotions, so take charge of them. Try not to fall into old destructive patterns
with family and friends.
• Keep
an open dialogue going with all those involved. Be clear about your limits and
discuss what others are dealing with. Do what you can, when you can for as long
as you can. Not everyone is suited to the same task and that’s okay.
•
Remember, your best is more than good enough.
For
more information
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