Through out February, I will be looking at the various recommendations of the handout Care of the Whole Person, which will have its annual update in March. Let me know your ideas and suggestions for revisions.
Develop or use your spirituality and/or faith: For some this may be a renewed faith in their religion for others it is an opportunity to find beliefs that provide comfort.
I have been reluctant to write much about spirituality for several reasons, the biggest one being that for many people spirituality and religion are interchangeable terms. This is not true. While a religion can nurture spiritual beliefs, they are dictated by institutional practices, rites and specified beliefs. My biggest problem with many organized religions is that they exclude people for one reason or another. Given how living with a chronic condition can make one feel apart from others, the less we divide the better.
I would like to note that not all religious groups practice such divisions. In fact, one of the most healing places I ever held retreats in Vermont was the Weston Priory. This group of Benedictine monks opened up their facilities to our women and families living with HIV/AIDS. They never once asked about religious affiliations, invited us to participate as we wished in their services and always referred to us as their sisters and brothers. They even allowed us to use a small area of their land as a memorial to the women and children who had died of AIDS. Each time we went, they would join us on the hillside as we remembered those who had gone before us. Their prayers could be from a Native American or eastern tradition just as easily as it could be Christian. The important thing is that we all felt accepted, loved and connected. Their gift of hospitality was enormous and one I will never forget.
Howard Clinebell, who practiced pastoral psychology and counseling for three decades at the School of Theology in Claremont, California, believed that humans have seven spiritual hungers in common:
• All people need to experience regularly the healing and empowerment of love - from others, self, and an ultimate source/God.
• Every one needs to experience renewing times of transcendence - moments that expand us beyond the immediate sensory spheres.
• Every body needs vital beliefs that give some sense of meaning and hope the midst of losses, tragedies, and failures.
• Every person needs to have values, priorities, and life commitments - usually centered in issues of justice, integrity, and love - that guide us in personally and socially responsible living.
• Each human being needs to discover and develop their inner wisdom, creativity and love of their unique transpersonal/spiritual self.
• All people need a deepening awareness of oneness with other people and with the natural world, the wonderful web of all living things.
• Every human being needs spiritual resources to help heal the painful wounds of grief, guilt, resentment, unforgiveness, self-rejection, and shame. We also need spiritual resources to deepen our experiences of trust, self-esteem, hope, joy and love of life. University of Minnesota’s “Taking Charge of Your Health”
For those with a more scientific bent For 40 years, laboratories at the Harvard Medical School have systematically studied mind body interactions. The research established that when a person engages in a repetitive prayer, word, sound or phrase and when intrusive thoughts are passively disregarded, a specific set of physiologic changes ensue. These changes — decreased metabolism, heart rate, blood pressure and rate of breathing — are the opposite of those induced by stress, and have been labeled the relaxation response. Surveys indicate that over 60% of visits to health care professionals are for conditions caused or exacerbated by stress and that the relaxation response is an effective therapy for stress-related conditions.
Many people who elicit the relaxation response also note increased spirituality. Spirituality is expressed as experiencing the presence of a power, a force, an energy or what was perceived of as God, and this presence is close to the person. Spirituality and Healing in Medicine
Maybe the simplest way for me to describe why spirituality is so important is that through illness, hardship and the various ups and downs of life, we become disconnected from each other, the land on which we live and even from ourselves. Spirituality helps to restore the connections and strengthens them. We heal best when we are connected.
In order to have a sense of where you might be in terms of your spirituality, George Washington Institute for Spirituality and Health has come up with the FICA Self Assessment.
F – Faith and Belief Do I have a spiritual belief that helps me cope with stress? With illness? What gives my life meaning?
I – Importance Is this belief important to me? Does it influence how I think about my health and illness? Does it influence my healthcare decisions?
C – Community Do I belong to a spiritual community (church, temple, mosque or other group)? Am I happy there? Do I need to do more with the community? Do I need to search for another community? If I don't have a community, would it help me if I found one?
A – Address in Care What should be my action plan? What changes do I need to make? Are there spiritual practices I want to develop? Would it help for me to see a chaplain, spiritual director, or pastoral counselor?
If you are looking to develop a spirituality, there are no set rules or ideas that you must conform to or a God or belief that you must adhere to. It only needs to make sense, and provide comfort, to you. So how does one go about doing this?
For starters consider the last question in the FICA Self Assessment, would it help you to see a chaplain, spiritual director or pastoral counselor? Many hospitals, medical providers and care centers understand the importance of the mind, body and spirit connection and either offer these services or can connect you to someone that can. Ask about them at a visit to your provider.
An aside note: Be aware that just like snake oil salesmen providing “sure fire cures, “the spirituality movement abounds with scam artists. If they are asking for a lot of money, a lot of your time, and/or are being unrealistic in expectations, steer clear of them.
If you grew up in a faith community, is this something that might be right for you now? Yoga, mindfulness meditation, Qigong, Tai Chi and other such practices can help to develop a sense of spirit. Some hospitals and health care centers offer such programs for low cost or for free. You can also go to the Kripalu website and take five minute yoga breaks all day long. Other sites to consider include:
Taking Care of Your Spirit from Mental Health America
Mindful Meditations from the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center
University of Minnesota’s “Taking Charge of Your Health,” Links for their Life Purpose and Spirituality
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
New Dietary Guidelines for Americans 2010
The Dietary Guidelines for Americans, 2010, have recently been released. The short version is eat less, exercise, cut salt intake, eat more fruits and veggies, and don’t eat sodas, sugar, or solid fat. More specific recommendations include:
• Balance calories to Manage weight
• Exercise
• Reduce daily sodium intake to less than 2,300 milligrams (mg) [about a teaspoon] and further reduce intake to 1,500 mg among persons who are 51 and older and those of any age who are African American or have hypertension, diabetes, or chronic kidney disease.
• Consume less than 10 percent of calories from saturated fatty acids by replacing them with monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fatty acids.
• Consume less than 300 mg per day of dietary cholesterol.
• Keep trans fatty acid consumption as low as possible by limiting foods that contain synthetic sources of trans fats, such as partially hydrogenated oils, and by limiting other solid fats.
• Reduce the intake of calories from solid fats and added sugars.
• Limit the consumption of foods that contain refined grains, especially refined grain foods that contain solid fats, added sugars, and sodium.
• If alcohol is consumed, it should be consumed in moderation—up to one drink per day for women and two drinks per day for men—and only by adults of legal drinking age.
• Choose foods that provide more potassium, dietary fiber, calcium, and vitamin D, which are nutrients of concern in American diets. These foods include vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and milk and milk products.
• Replace protein foods that are higher in solid fats with choices that are lower in solid fats and calories and/or are sources of oils.
• Use oils to replace solid fats where possible.
• Choose a variety of protein foods, which include seafood, lean meat and poultry, eggs, beans and peas, soy products, and unsalted nuts and seeds.
• Increase the amount and variety of seafood consumed by choosing seafood in place of some meat and poultry.
• Increase vegetable and fruit intake.
• Eat a variety of vegetables, especially dark-green and red and orange vegetables and beans and peas.
• Consume at least half of all grains as whole grains. Increase whole-grain intake by replacing refined grains with whole grains.
• Increase intake of fat-free or low-fat milk and milk products, such as milk, yogurt, cheese, or fortified soy beverages.
To read more about the Guidelines:
Digesting the New Dietary Guidelines
2010 Dietary Guidelines, deconstructed
• Balance calories to Manage weight
• Exercise
• Reduce daily sodium intake to less than 2,300 milligrams (mg) [about a teaspoon] and further reduce intake to 1,500 mg among persons who are 51 and older and those of any age who are African American or have hypertension, diabetes, or chronic kidney disease.
• Consume less than 10 percent of calories from saturated fatty acids by replacing them with monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fatty acids.
• Consume less than 300 mg per day of dietary cholesterol.
• Keep trans fatty acid consumption as low as possible by limiting foods that contain synthetic sources of trans fats, such as partially hydrogenated oils, and by limiting other solid fats.
• Reduce the intake of calories from solid fats and added sugars.
• Limit the consumption of foods that contain refined grains, especially refined grain foods that contain solid fats, added sugars, and sodium.
• If alcohol is consumed, it should be consumed in moderation—up to one drink per day for women and two drinks per day for men—and only by adults of legal drinking age.
• Choose foods that provide more potassium, dietary fiber, calcium, and vitamin D, which are nutrients of concern in American diets. These foods include vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and milk and milk products.
• Replace protein foods that are higher in solid fats with choices that are lower in solid fats and calories and/or are sources of oils.
• Use oils to replace solid fats where possible.
• Choose a variety of protein foods, which include seafood, lean meat and poultry, eggs, beans and peas, soy products, and unsalted nuts and seeds.
• Increase the amount and variety of seafood consumed by choosing seafood in place of some meat and poultry.
• Increase vegetable and fruit intake.
• Eat a variety of vegetables, especially dark-green and red and orange vegetables and beans and peas.
• Consume at least half of all grains as whole grains. Increase whole-grain intake by replacing refined grains with whole grains.
• Increase intake of fat-free or low-fat milk and milk products, such as milk, yogurt, cheese, or fortified soy beverages.
To read more about the Guidelines:
Digesting the New Dietary Guidelines
2010 Dietary Guidelines, deconstructed
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Take a Break-Paper Cut Valentine Activities
It's a very snowy day here. Schools are closed and few are venturing out. Conditions are perfect for a fire in the woodstove and an afternoon of making “cut out” Valentines.
As a child, my mother entertained us on such a day by reading “Appolonia’s Valentine” and suggesting that we try and make the Scherenschnitte, German style paper cut, Valentines included in the book. If you are not familiar with this book, it’s the story of how an Amish girl discovered that she can make a beautiful Valentine with paints versus the paper cut ones that her classmates were doing. Maybe it’s because of those hours I spent with my Mom that I’m more comfortable with scissors and paper than I am with paints, the exact opposite of Appolonia’s experience.
Below are variety of techniques for making cards, paper chains and other decorative items using paper and scissors.
Paper Cut Hearts from Martha Stewart (includes a video and templates)
Planet Pals Three Different Hearts
Heart Paper Chains
Heart Garland from Martha Stewart
Cobweb Valentine with Jocelyn
Once you are done, hang them around the house and enjoy.
As a child, my mother entertained us on such a day by reading “Appolonia’s Valentine” and suggesting that we try and make the Scherenschnitte, German style paper cut, Valentines included in the book. If you are not familiar with this book, it’s the story of how an Amish girl discovered that she can make a beautiful Valentine with paints versus the paper cut ones that her classmates were doing. Maybe it’s because of those hours I spent with my Mom that I’m more comfortable with scissors and paper than I am with paints, the exact opposite of Appolonia’s experience.
Below are variety of techniques for making cards, paper chains and other decorative items using paper and scissors.
Paper Cut Hearts from Martha Stewart (includes a video and templates)
Planet Pals Three Different Hearts
Heart Paper Chains
Heart Garland from Martha Stewart
Cobweb Valentine with Jocelyn
Once you are done, hang them around the house and enjoy.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Your Best Is More than Good Enough
This past week, I watched Brene Brown’s presentation “The Power of Vulnerability” at the TED Conference. A social worker, while doing research on how people feel connected, Brown came across an interesting finding. So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection. The things I can tell you about it: it's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection.
When I heard her say this, I thought of the hugh amount of shame I have witnessed in people who are living with chronic and/or life threatening conditions and how destructive it is.
Before I go too far, I’d like to back up to my own childhood.
While I was labeled “dyslexic” with “learning problems, “ I prefer the term non-traditional learner. I absolutely could learn, not necessarily in the manner that the majority of my classmates did.
I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade and I remember my parents talking to me about my report card, while at the same time glaring over my head at my older brother. He had mostly A’s but had failed Deportment and Effort. My grades were the complete reverse of his. Patting me on the head, my parents assured me that I was just fine, “as long as you try and do your best.”
Just because I learned differently didn’t make me an idiot. I quickly realized that my best wasn’t very good. Needless to say, I felt ashamed.
As an adult, I hated it when people said “just do your best,” or “you gave it your best shot.” These phrases implied to me that while they may get an A in for Effort, they were almost assured to be falling short of the mark.
It took me until adulthood to see that my style of learning had some very unique gifts. Because I don’t think like most people, a real draw back in school, I make an excellent problem solver for the traditional thinker/learner. For years I have worked as a consultant to organizations. Since I don’t look at things the same way they do, it’s easier for me to figure out a different approach.
Several years ago, a friend of mind asked me how I could see solutions so easily. “I’m just wired that way,” I responded. What I didn’t realize as a young child is that my best was in fact more than good enough. What I was meant to do, was not the same as my brother or my classmates. My brother’s path led down the road to becoming a researcher/scientist in medicine. I too went into the medical field but from a whole different perspective. Both are needed. Both are of value. Both of us give it our best, and it is truly more than good enough.
Now back to the years working in AIDS. This was a diagnosis that carried with it tremendous stigma and judgment, particularly in the early years of the epidemic. A number of the men and women I worked with had limited self-esteem to begin with, which was compounded when they were diagnosed. Because of their shame, it was not uncommon for them to be reluctant to date, if they were single, or to be in abusive relationships.
Working with people with all sorts of diagnoses, I know that shame isn’t limited to a particular diagnosis. Some feel guilty because they contributed to their illness-e.g. a smoker who develops lung cancer. Others are ashamed about appearance-e.g. a person with a motion disorder who stumbles and shakes. Still others are upset with themselves about the impact their health condition is having on their family. Many are embarrased that their body is failing them.
At the same time I was watching people self destruct because they had so little regard for themselves, I watched the power house men and women who took on the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), formed AIDS service organizations and were willing to stand up and say, “I’m a person living with AIDS!” They were not AIDS victims or sufferers. They were people living with a disease, not being defined by it. These were amazing humans. Their energy was infectious and I stood in awe. They made mistakes, got pissed off, cried, stamped their feet, made eloquent speeches, fell in love, got divorced, got married, had kids, returned to college, joined committees, dropped off boards to start new ones, and proceeded to live life with tremendous vigor.
At one point, two HIV+ women on my board had dated the same guy who was a “neggie”(HIV negative). I told them they had wrecked this man for non-infected gals, as they were among the most engaging people you’d ever want to meet. They were clear they had no idea how much time they had, but while they were able to, they wanted to enjoy every minute of it. If you were in their orbit, they wanted you to experience their level of joy. After all, who wants to hang out with a “downer?” as they would say. They weren’t going to waste time on people that didn’t respect them, or devalued them because of their diagnosis.
This isn’t unique to AIDS, as I see it all the time in the people I work with. People who believe they have value, who seek out friendships, participate in support groups, are willing to be both givers and receivers (that’s last week’s post), and recognize nearly all of us will develop something,-and this is just their something- thrive.
Brene Brown writes on her website, Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone; I am enough.
It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.
Do you let your condition define you? Are you ashamed of it? Do you isolate yourself from others because of it? If you are answering yes to one or more of these questions, there are things you can do.
While this blog has been designed to address many aspects of living with a chronic condition, check out Care of the Whole Person, which is a good summary sheet. I will be giving this handout its yearly update in March. Please let me know what you think should be added, changed, deleted.
The final “take home point” of this post is this. The next time someone says, “Do your best.” Remember that your best is more than good enough. As Brown would say, “I am enough.”
When I heard her say this, I thought of the hugh amount of shame I have witnessed in people who are living with chronic and/or life threatening conditions and how destructive it is.
Before I go too far, I’d like to back up to my own childhood.
While I was labeled “dyslexic” with “learning problems, “ I prefer the term non-traditional learner. I absolutely could learn, not necessarily in the manner that the majority of my classmates did.
I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade and I remember my parents talking to me about my report card, while at the same time glaring over my head at my older brother. He had mostly A’s but had failed Deportment and Effort. My grades were the complete reverse of his. Patting me on the head, my parents assured me that I was just fine, “as long as you try and do your best.”
Just because I learned differently didn’t make me an idiot. I quickly realized that my best wasn’t very good. Needless to say, I felt ashamed.
As an adult, I hated it when people said “just do your best,” or “you gave it your best shot.” These phrases implied to me that while they may get an A in for Effort, they were almost assured to be falling short of the mark.
It took me until adulthood to see that my style of learning had some very unique gifts. Because I don’t think like most people, a real draw back in school, I make an excellent problem solver for the traditional thinker/learner. For years I have worked as a consultant to organizations. Since I don’t look at things the same way they do, it’s easier for me to figure out a different approach.
Several years ago, a friend of mind asked me how I could see solutions so easily. “I’m just wired that way,” I responded. What I didn’t realize as a young child is that my best was in fact more than good enough. What I was meant to do, was not the same as my brother or my classmates. My brother’s path led down the road to becoming a researcher/scientist in medicine. I too went into the medical field but from a whole different perspective. Both are needed. Both are of value. Both of us give it our best, and it is truly more than good enough.
Now back to the years working in AIDS. This was a diagnosis that carried with it tremendous stigma and judgment, particularly in the early years of the epidemic. A number of the men and women I worked with had limited self-esteem to begin with, which was compounded when they were diagnosed. Because of their shame, it was not uncommon for them to be reluctant to date, if they were single, or to be in abusive relationships.
Working with people with all sorts of diagnoses, I know that shame isn’t limited to a particular diagnosis. Some feel guilty because they contributed to their illness-e.g. a smoker who develops lung cancer. Others are ashamed about appearance-e.g. a person with a motion disorder who stumbles and shakes. Still others are upset with themselves about the impact their health condition is having on their family. Many are embarrased that their body is failing them.
At the same time I was watching people self destruct because they had so little regard for themselves, I watched the power house men and women who took on the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), formed AIDS service organizations and were willing to stand up and say, “I’m a person living with AIDS!” They were not AIDS victims or sufferers. They were people living with a disease, not being defined by it. These were amazing humans. Their energy was infectious and I stood in awe. They made mistakes, got pissed off, cried, stamped their feet, made eloquent speeches, fell in love, got divorced, got married, had kids, returned to college, joined committees, dropped off boards to start new ones, and proceeded to live life with tremendous vigor.
At one point, two HIV+ women on my board had dated the same guy who was a “neggie”(HIV negative). I told them they had wrecked this man for non-infected gals, as they were among the most engaging people you’d ever want to meet. They were clear they had no idea how much time they had, but while they were able to, they wanted to enjoy every minute of it. If you were in their orbit, they wanted you to experience their level of joy. After all, who wants to hang out with a “downer?” as they would say. They weren’t going to waste time on people that didn’t respect them, or devalued them because of their diagnosis.
This isn’t unique to AIDS, as I see it all the time in the people I work with. People who believe they have value, who seek out friendships, participate in support groups, are willing to be both givers and receivers (that’s last week’s post), and recognize nearly all of us will develop something,-and this is just their something- thrive.
Brene Brown writes on her website, Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone; I am enough.
It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.
Do you let your condition define you? Are you ashamed of it? Do you isolate yourself from others because of it? If you are answering yes to one or more of these questions, there are things you can do.
While this blog has been designed to address many aspects of living with a chronic condition, check out Care of the Whole Person, which is a good summary sheet. I will be giving this handout its yearly update in March. Please let me know what you think should be added, changed, deleted.
The final “take home point” of this post is this. The next time someone says, “Do your best.” Remember that your best is more than good enough. As Brown would say, “I am enough.”
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Take a Break: Quilling (paper curling)
With Valentine’s Day just a few weeks away, the next several posts will focus on activities to enjoy and share.
Also known as paper curling or paper filigree, the origins of quilling are not known. It most likely started in China or Egypt shortly after the invention of paper. It’s a technique that’s been around for many centuries but came to the forefront in the 15th and 16th centuries, when European nuns used the torn edges from bibles and goose feathers to quill and decorate religious articles. The term “quilling” comes from the practice of wrapping paper around goose quilles. To learn more about the history, go to Paper Quilling.
The quilling tool is not very expensive and it will make it easier in the long run. However, to get started, and to see if you like it, use a pencil, knitting needle or thin crochet hook. I can remember “quilling” paper around a pencil, using a scrap of paper from an old test, in grade school, while I pretended to be listening to the teacher. Pre cut quilling paper is also available, but you can cut your own 1/8 or 1/4 inch strips. Most patterns give instructions on the length and size of paper you will need.
As with most craft projects, there are now all sorts of things on the market-quilling boards, special glues etc. However, the basics are simple, long strips of paper are wound around a tool, released, push into a desired shape, and then a tiny dab of glue is used to keep it from unraveling. Putting several of the coils together can form a flower, animal or anything you choose. You can even make letters using quilling techniques.
Quilling Instructions
An Introduction to Quilling Video
Paper Quilling Resources: Includes a variety of projects to try as well as instructions.
Quilled Valentines and Cards from Martha Stewart
Quilled Valentine Heart Pattern: Note that there are lots of other free designs at this blog.
Snowflake Quilling Video: As part of making the snowflake, good instructions on making heart shaped paper scrolls.
Also known as paper curling or paper filigree, the origins of quilling are not known. It most likely started in China or Egypt shortly after the invention of paper. It’s a technique that’s been around for many centuries but came to the forefront in the 15th and 16th centuries, when European nuns used the torn edges from bibles and goose feathers to quill and decorate religious articles. The term “quilling” comes from the practice of wrapping paper around goose quilles. To learn more about the history, go to Paper Quilling.
The quilling tool is not very expensive and it will make it easier in the long run. However, to get started, and to see if you like it, use a pencil, knitting needle or thin crochet hook. I can remember “quilling” paper around a pencil, using a scrap of paper from an old test, in grade school, while I pretended to be listening to the teacher. Pre cut quilling paper is also available, but you can cut your own 1/8 or 1/4 inch strips. Most patterns give instructions on the length and size of paper you will need.
As with most craft projects, there are now all sorts of things on the market-quilling boards, special glues etc. However, the basics are simple, long strips of paper are wound around a tool, released, push into a desired shape, and then a tiny dab of glue is used to keep it from unraveling. Putting several of the coils together can form a flower, animal or anything you choose. You can even make letters using quilling techniques.
Quilling Instructions
An Introduction to Quilling Video
Paper Quilling Resources: Includes a variety of projects to try as well as instructions.
Quilled Valentines and Cards from Martha Stewart
Quilled Valentine Heart Pattern: Note that there are lots of other free designs at this blog.
Snowflake Quilling Video: As part of making the snowflake, good instructions on making heart shaped paper scrolls.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Balancing Giving and Receiving
You must be continually giving - and getting. You cannot hold on to your seed. You must sow it - and reap anew. Robert Collier
I’ve been trying to write a post on giving and receiving for over a year now. Like many, I was raised with the adage, “It is better to give then to receive,” but have found over the years this really isn’t such a good idea.
Whether a medical provider, caregiver, family member, friend or patient, if you are always giving and not allowing yourself to receive, you shouldn’t be surprised by feelings of despair, anger, resentment, frustration, being overwhelmed and experiencing physical symptoms of stress. It’s not surprising that the spouses of critically ill patients, end up with health issues of their own after long stretches of care giving. If all the energy goes out, there is nothing in reserve.
Focusing on a different definition of “well,” might be a useful reminder of the importance of balancing giving with receiving. If you depend on a well for your source of water, as I do, it must be monitored regularly. If too much water is drawn out, it can run dry and you’ll go thirsty. If there is too much pouring in, which can happen in the spring rains and/or snow melting, the water can become contaminated with bacteria. In short, you need a certain level of water and type for the well to function properly-a steady flow in both directions.
If you are sick, having a flare of a chronic illness, you may feel like you are asking a great deal of others. However, there is much you can offer those to help you maintain well-being:
• Let people know you are grateful for their time and help. Tell them when you see them. Send a card, e-mail, or phone them. Recently, a friend’s parent died. In her note, thanking me for the basket I had dropped off, she let me know how much she appreciated talking to me through the difficult times of her parent’s illness. The note was wonderful enough, but she bumped it up a notch by enclosing a gift card for gas.
• If you can afford to, things like gas cards (provided they drive), and gift certificates to stores and restaurants they use are always appreciated.
• Ask them how they are doing. One woman I advocated for would always ask how I was doing as well as my family. She was very attentive and in subsequent inquiries, her comments always reflected how well she listened.
• If they are taking you to and from medical appointments, pay for their gas, take them to lunch, or bring something that they may like e.g. fruit, flowers, cookies etc.
• If you have the energy and time, make them something special. It could be a craft item, food, a CD etc.
• Celebrate their interests. Whether it’s a birthday, the victory of their favorite sport’s team, or a child’s graduation, acknowledge it.
• Pick flowers from your garden. Share a plant or a plant clipping.
If you are the caregiver, medical provider, friend or family member, be open to receiving from those you are caring for. Just the other day, I mentioned to a provider how helpful she had been to me. Her immediate comment was a bit of embarrassment, followed by the acknowledgment that, “I’m not good at receiving compliments.”
Having felt that way myself, it’s taken me a while to learn that in order for the other person to be comfortable giving, I have to be a willing and receptive receiver. A simple response of “Thank you for letting me know that. I’m glad I can be of help to you,” not only acknowledges their “gift” of thanks has been received; it also lets them know you valued it. Basically, both of you walk away with a warm glow.
If I were going to promote an adage, it would be the Golden Rule “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” In short, if you wish to receive, be a willing giver. If you wish to give, be a willing receiver.
I’ve been trying to write a post on giving and receiving for over a year now. Like many, I was raised with the adage, “It is better to give then to receive,” but have found over the years this really isn’t such a good idea.
Whether a medical provider, caregiver, family member, friend or patient, if you are always giving and not allowing yourself to receive, you shouldn’t be surprised by feelings of despair, anger, resentment, frustration, being overwhelmed and experiencing physical symptoms of stress. It’s not surprising that the spouses of critically ill patients, end up with health issues of their own after long stretches of care giving. If all the energy goes out, there is nothing in reserve.
Focusing on a different definition of “well,” might be a useful reminder of the importance of balancing giving with receiving. If you depend on a well for your source of water, as I do, it must be monitored regularly. If too much water is drawn out, it can run dry and you’ll go thirsty. If there is too much pouring in, which can happen in the spring rains and/or snow melting, the water can become contaminated with bacteria. In short, you need a certain level of water and type for the well to function properly-a steady flow in both directions.
If you are sick, having a flare of a chronic illness, you may feel like you are asking a great deal of others. However, there is much you can offer those to help you maintain well-being:
• Let people know you are grateful for their time and help. Tell them when you see them. Send a card, e-mail, or phone them. Recently, a friend’s parent died. In her note, thanking me for the basket I had dropped off, she let me know how much she appreciated talking to me through the difficult times of her parent’s illness. The note was wonderful enough, but she bumped it up a notch by enclosing a gift card for gas.
• If you can afford to, things like gas cards (provided they drive), and gift certificates to stores and restaurants they use are always appreciated.
• Ask them how they are doing. One woman I advocated for would always ask how I was doing as well as my family. She was very attentive and in subsequent inquiries, her comments always reflected how well she listened.
• If they are taking you to and from medical appointments, pay for their gas, take them to lunch, or bring something that they may like e.g. fruit, flowers, cookies etc.
• If you have the energy and time, make them something special. It could be a craft item, food, a CD etc.
• Celebrate their interests. Whether it’s a birthday, the victory of their favorite sport’s team, or a child’s graduation, acknowledge it.
• Pick flowers from your garden. Share a plant or a plant clipping.
If you are the caregiver, medical provider, friend or family member, be open to receiving from those you are caring for. Just the other day, I mentioned to a provider how helpful she had been to me. Her immediate comment was a bit of embarrassment, followed by the acknowledgment that, “I’m not good at receiving compliments.”
Having felt that way myself, it’s taken me a while to learn that in order for the other person to be comfortable giving, I have to be a willing and receptive receiver. A simple response of “Thank you for letting me know that. I’m glad I can be of help to you,” not only acknowledges their “gift” of thanks has been received; it also lets them know you valued it. Basically, both of you walk away with a warm glow.
If I were going to promote an adage, it would be the Golden Rule “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” In short, if you wish to receive, be a willing giver. If you wish to give, be a willing receiver.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Take a Break: Find the Rainbow in Your Clouds
The poet, writer, teacher, speaker and all around Renaissance woman, Maya Angelou often sings during her presentations the lyrics from a 19th Century Slave Song. “When it looked like the sun wasn’t going to shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds.” According to Angelou “God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us—in the dreariest and most dreaded moments—can see a possibility of hope.”
Sometimes the rainbow is a person that helps us when we are most in need. Other times it’s what appears to be a dreadful situation turning out to have very positive consequence. As I write this, I’m reminded of a friend that had gone through quite an ordeal helping to care for a dying parent. Not long after, her child received a chronic disease diagnosis. In talking with her, she noted that life had a way of working out and that she could already see some benefits to her child’s diagnosis. In short, in spite of what appeared to be a very dark cloud, she identified a rainbow.
Today’s “take a break” is not only about identifying the various rainbow(s) that have been or are part of your life, but to enjoy the various works of Maya Angelou. Watch videos of her; read her poetry or borrow one of her books from your local library.
Sometimes the rainbow is a person that helps us when we are most in need. Other times it’s what appears to be a dreadful situation turning out to have very positive consequence. As I write this, I’m reminded of a friend that had gone through quite an ordeal helping to care for a dying parent. Not long after, her child received a chronic disease diagnosis. In talking with her, she noted that life had a way of working out and that she could already see some benefits to her child’s diagnosis. In short, in spite of what appeared to be a very dark cloud, she identified a rainbow.
Today’s “take a break” is not only about identifying the various rainbow(s) that have been or are part of your life, but to enjoy the various works of Maya Angelou. Watch videos of her; read her poetry or borrow one of her books from your local library.
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