As a kid when
something happened we didn’t like, particularly if it was something you really
had no control over, it was common for adults to say, “It’s like the weather.
Don’t like it?” Wait a bit and it will change.”
The knowledge
that changes can and will continually happen, can be comforting. It can also be
terrifying and cause considerable fear and anxiety. There are times we become
frustrated with how slow a change is coming and other times, it seems like we
are trying to ride life with the brakes on in an effort to keep things
constant.
Whether the
change is good (your blood work comes back with excellent results), bad (you
have a flare in your chronic condition), outside your control (the doctor you
like is leaving the center where you receive your care), it’s a normal part of
life (the transition from summer to fall), or it’s major (the death of a loved
one) adjustments need to be made. Sometimes it’s easy and other times it feels
like it will knock you to the ground.
Good or bad,
change is a source of stress, and stress, while having both good and bad
components, can have major implications for someone with a chronic condition.
In 1967, Thomas
Holmes and Richard Rahe examined the medical records of over 5,000 subjects as
a way to determine whether stressful events (all involving change of one sort
or another) might cause illness. Research indicates a correlation between a
high score on the Holems and Rahe Stress Scale and illness.
While an
interesting tool to gage how changes in your life could be impacting your
health, note that this stress scale is weak in certain areas. They list the
number one stressor as being death of a spouse, but don’t list the death of a
child at all. There are also cultural differences, let alone individual
variations. Still it’s an interesting way to see what might be contributing to
your emotional well being. A score of 300 suggests a very high risk of becoming
ill.
So what does it
take to get to 300? Let’s take the scenario of Jane, not a real person, who happens to be living with multiple
sclerosis (MS). At Christmas (12), she is having difficulty sleeping (16)
because she just moved into a condo (28) due to a divorce (73). To make things
even more difficult, her mother is sick (39) and she’s started a new job (39).
Even though the job pays more, Jane is worried about making payments on her new
mortgage (31), since she alone will be responsible for it. Her former mother-in-law, who she once
really liked, is sending nasty
e-mails (29)-“How could you be so mean to my son!” The new job requires longer
hours (20) with more responsibilities (29) and consequently Jane’s diet
consists of a bagel for breakfast and little else until dinner time, when she
pigs out uncontrollably (15). To top it off, Jane got a speeding ticket (11),
because she overslept and was rushing to get to work on time. While she doesn’t
normally stay out on “school nights,” she had a late dinner with her best
friend Paula, whom she normally talked to almost daily. She hadn’t seen her in
a month because of all the changes in her life (18). So if my math is correct,
Jane has a stress score of 360 and chances are quite high that a flare of her
MS will be greeting her in January.
Using Jane as
the example, here are some ways to deal with change so it doesn’t make you sick
• The serenity
prayer is a good one to keep in mind. “Grant me the
serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.” Jane can’t change that it’s Christmas or
that her Mom is sick. However, she can change how she reacts to them. For
example, instead of trying to be the most devoted daughter possible, she can
work with a sibling to set up a “Lotsa Helping Hands” website so family and friends can help with appointments, rides,
meals etc.
• The
courage to change is huge for some, while others are totally addicted to it and
can’t stand it if things are constant for too long. While there are all sorts
of stress scales out there, doing something like the Holems and Rahe Stress Scale can help you recognize there are reasons for why you may be feeling so
overwhelmed.
In Jane’s case, of the more than 10 stress
factors in her life, half are things she could change- she has a choice in
whether she takes a new job and the host of new responsibilities that goes with
it, stays out late when she knows she has to work the next day, doesn’t adhere
to a healthy diet, doesn’t stay connected to friends and makes a large
purchase-the condo- when she’s unsure of her finances. For the remaining
stressors, she may or may not have choices in their happening-such as the
divorce itself or an irate mother-in-law, but again she does have choice in how
she responds.
• An
outsider might view Jane’s life and say, “what chaos.” However, if we asked
Jane’s best friend Paula, she might reply, “Oh that’s Jane. The more drama and
chaos the happier she is. She wouldn’t know what to do if she wasn’t having a
fight with someone or didn’t have some crisis to deal with.” Interestingly, her
other close friend Anne has a totally different take. “I haven’t heard from her
in months and I know she’s under a lot of unusual stress. That’s just not like
her.” Regardless of what makes Jane tick, she’s clearly on over load and heading
for a major flare of her MS, with significant consequences on multiple fronts.
• To reduce
the impact of change and drama in life, consider the following:
- Identify the stressors-What can you
change? How can you respond differently to those you can’t change?
- Maintain social relationships. Even if
it’s just a few e-mails, stay connected and surround yourself with people who
are positive and upbeat. Eliminate or minimize contact with “energy vampires,”
those people who drain you of spirit and energy.
- Laugh
- Stick to a healthy routine (Eat regularly
and be mindful of food choices; Exercise, even if it’s a 10 minute walk three
times a day; Sleep between 6-8 hours each night and take naps when you need
them.
- Get professional help if you need it
Don’t hesitate
to remind yourself that change is a normal part of life and that you have dealt
with it quite successfully before and you will again. Think back to other
situations in your life where you have had to adjust to change. How did you
cope?
Keep in mind
that your brain is wired to be resilient and try to work with it and not
against it. Things like being present in the moment and not obsessed with what
was or could be, let’s the brain do its job.
Every Wednesday
is “take a break day” at this blog and if you don’t like that day’s take a
break, there are plenty archived ones. If you haven’t read the post “Why Take a Break,” do so as it explains how creative work helps us relax and become more mindful.
From this vantage point, you will have more insight in ways to deal with the
changes and stressors in life and ultimately make choices that are more likely
to increase healing, well being and contentment.
In closing, keep in mind that change can be transforming. It may be the
course correction that your life needs to put you where you need to be, which
may not necessarily be where you think you should be. Ultimately, as one gent I
worked with many years ago in AIDS would frequently tell us, “it’s all a
process. Trust in it.”
