Asking For and Getting the Help You Need

I wrote this post as a companion piece to How to Ask for Help. However, Covid intervened between my initial post and today’s. None the less, it’s important information to have, and maybe even more important now when we’re all a bit reluctant about asking for help when so many are in need.

Whether you are a caregiver or someone living with a chronic condition, you can easily find yourself overwhelmed.

Asking for help is something we all need to do at some point. Though we may be reluctant, it is an opportunity to deepen connections with others while at the same time reducing stress and reminding ourselves that we are not alone in what we are facing. It provides an opportunity for others to shine, provides happiness to both giver and receiver and can solve a multitude of problems.

Before jumping into creating your “Help Needed List,” it’s a good idea to have someone you trust assist you in not only identifying areas where you could use help, but also assist in specifying aspects of that need. For example, if you know you’ll need meal assistance, list when you need them, for how many people, diet restrictions etc. As you go through this process, write down suggestions for community organizations, family, friends etc. who could potentially be a match for your need.

Following the “Help Needed List,” are some tips about utilizing community resources as well as family, friends, neighbors etc.  

WHERE HELP IS NEEDED CHECK OFF 

Staying healthy-emotionally and physically.

• Transportation: e.g. Rides to and from medical appointments

• Medical advocate/Healthcare navigator: This includes help going through the various phases of medical care by helping patients communicate with their healthcare providers so they get the information they need to make decisions. May also help patients set up appointments for doctor visits and medical tests and get financial, legal, and social support. They can work with insurance companies, employers, case managers, lawyers, and others who may have an effect on a patient’s healthcare needs.

• Information/Referral: Someone who can provide up to date information about the specific condition

• Durable medical equipment such as walker, cane, hospital bed, wheelchair, scooter, oxygen etc.

• Assistance with remaining active and an integral part of your community so that you aren’t spending so much time alone.

• Respite care: Assistance so you can continue to engage in various activities

• Bill paying

• Legal assistance (e.g. will, living will, durable power of health attorney)

• Meal assistance

• Friendly visits

• Blood/Bone Marrow/Organ donation

• Financial assistance with medical expenses

• Massage/spa day

• Housing

Home Life

• Yard and/or seasonal work (e.g. lawn mowing in summer, snow removal in winter)

• Home repairs

• Stacking wood

• Modifications to make it easier to get around your living space

• Home Heating Assistance

• Trash removal/recycling

• Shopping assistance

• House cleaning and other chore services

• Child care (including taking kids to school, play dates, babysitting)

• Financial Assistance

• Pick up the mail/newspapers

• Keep an eye on the house if you need to be away

• Pet sitting

• Meal preparation

• Computer assistance

• Life Alert system

Work Life

• Assistance in arranging for flex time, working at home, or other job accommodations

• Assistance in understanding company policies pertaining to leaves of absence, your rights, health care policy etc.

• Someone who can drop off and pick up work if you are working at home

• A point person who can act as a liaison between you and your employer

Organizing a community response, such as using the free website Lots of Helping Hands (LOHH),  makes it much easier for all involved. Not only can people sign up for various tasks, but LOHH sends them reminders. You can send one e-mail and be done. It’s also the perfect answer to “what can I do to help?”

Because those affected by chronic and/or life threatening conditions are often over whelmed, it’s recommended that a trusted friend or family member be the lead administrator for the website. Since it’s possible to have more than one administrator, it’s good to have the person affected involved, particularly when deciding who can participate in the site. Another advantage of this approach is that the lead administrator can ask for things that you may not feel comfortable asking for. Further, once they have the full spectrum of needs, they can often coordinate activities, e.g. such as a work weekend to winterize the house.

Identify Local Resources: While family, friends and neighbors can be very helpful, keep in mind that many health centers and medical facilities have personnel that can address some of your issues, particularly when it comes to meeting your medical needs and finances. Condition specific support groups (e.g. Parkinson’s group) are another good resource for help.

Organizations to consider:

• Local churches, civic groups (e.g. Rotary, Lions Club), schools and other community based organization often have programs to support people in need.

• Local Community Action Agency 

• Local Area Agency for Aging 

• State’s Independent Living Center. 

Tips on Getting Yes When You Ask for Help

• When possible, ask in person. Call them on the phone. Resort to text/e-mail, Messenger if you know that’s how they prefer to be contacted

• Be specific in your request and carefully listen to their response

• Avoid disclaimers, such as “I hate to ask you..” It makes people uncomfortable.

• Apply the “three thanks” rule: say thank when they agree to help, when they’ve helped you and at a later date. Sending personal notes, arranging a thank-you lunch are all very nice touches that people appreciate. The more you let them know how their assistance helped you, the better they will feel about helping again.