RuPaul may have made “conflama”-conflict and drama- a household world, but it applies to many more people than the contestants on “Drag Race.” While “conflama” can increase viewers, what’s right for prime time can be problematic in real life.
I worked with a woman who’d rush into the health center, and regardless of whether patients were in the room or not, she’d start detailing the latest drama and conflict in her life, to no one in particular, as she was stowing her coat and lunch. An incredibly gifted nurse, the entire day was filled with stories about her family and why everything functioned at crisis level, whether it deserved it or not. By the end of the day, the staff was worn out.
“Crisis junkies,” and “drama queens.” There are people that seem to seek out crisis and aren’t happy unless they have something to worry about.
No matter who you are, crisis will rear its head. However, a continued state of drama and crisis is not a normal part of life. It’s incredibly draining and it’s an unhealthy way to live.
The brain on
drama is like lots of other addictions, it releases endorphins and pleasure
inducing dopamine. Initially it feels good, but like other drugs, you need more
and more to get the same positive validation. Secrets of Anger Addiction and 3 Reasons Why Rage Feels Real Damn Good
There are a variety of reasons why “conflama” is a normal state for some people.
• Growing up in a chaotic household they continue to seek out what feels like “normal.” Serenity is an unknown.
• It’s a way to numb feelings, deep down pain, shame etc.” If I’m in a crisis I don’t have to think about my health.”
• It’s a way of avoiding things you don’t want to do.
• A distraction from their own life
• A sense of importance
• Need for attention
Conflama characteristics can include:
• Love to gossip
• Need to be the center of attention and hate it when not
• Constantly late
• Always fighting with someone-A misunderstanding or tiny problem can escalate quickly and what should have been a minute conversation becomes a war. Before long yelling and screaming become the way to make a point.
• Overshare on social media
• Doesn’t recognize when a conflict is beyond their scope of responsibility
• Continually threaten to end relationships-relationships are rarely smooth
• Likes to stir the pot
• Doesn’t trust peaceful states as being the norm and will sabotage it.
• Find conflict where it doesn’t exist
• Stuck in the past. Instead of moving on, ruminate about what was and how it could have been different. Holding grudges and unable to forgive is part of this.
• It’s always someone’s else’s fault
If drama is playing a role in your life that you can live without, consider the following:
Be a Changer Not a Complainer: When something happens, instead of complaining about it take steps to resolve it. Recognize if it’s truly your problem-are you responsible for its occurrence or its solution? Is your reaction based on the facts or an emotional response? If it’s a problem you need to respond to, identify it in such a way that it allows you to find a solution. Explore different solutions to the problem and select the one that’s the best course of action. Implement it and evaluate outcomes. If this feels like a difficult task try writing about it, or talk about it with trusted friend or even members of a support group. Be clear that the goal is a solution not just an opportunity to gripe. If identifying and resolving problems and conflicts is very challenging consider Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The more you can identify what’s a real problem that deserves a solution, as well as having a good set of problem solving tools, the less drama you have to contend with
You can’t control events but you can control how you interpret them. If you feel you are continually surrounded by negative situations, try changing your perspective. Examine who you spend time with. Do they support positive thinking or are they a heavy dose of Debbie Downer?
Less gossip and more minding your own business: The less you get involved in someone else’s drama the better for all.
Channel your energy in more creative pursuits: Engaging your mind, hands and body in a creative outlet can create such an incredibly peaceful state. Research shows that creative activities contributes to a surge of positive emotions and well-being. It’s why every Wednesday is “take-a-break” day on this blog. There are well over 400 ways to do this on the Take a Break Pinterest Board
Unplug: Between cell phones and the barrage of social media, including texting and messaging, we’re all more prone to drama. Significantly limit social media checking. If you are particularly drama prone, turn off your phone and do something completely different, such as take a walk, read a book, take a nap, or soak in a tub.
Live in the
present: “Let us not
look back in anger, nor ahead in fear, but around in awareness,” is one of my
favorite quotes by James Thurber. How to Live in the Present Moment: 35 Exercises and Tools (+ Quotes)
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