As the pandemic continues to roll along, with more counties going into lock down, I’ve been wondering what George Bonanno’s thoughts might be on COVID. Bonanno is Professor of Clinical Psychology, leading resilience expert and head of Columbia Teacher’s College Loss, Trauma and Emotion Lab.I’ve found his book “The Other Side of Sadness,” as well as his research, immensely helpful.
In a December 2020 interview he commented , “The crisis “has already been going on for a long time; we’ve been adapting,” an assessment consistent with his prior groundbreaking research showing that about two-thirds of people generally cope well with adverse events. “It doesn’t mean that people breeze through, but for most of us, it is within our ability to endure.”
Since different strategies work for different people at different time, to design a “resiliency” training program according to Bonanno could be useless and potential harmful. His approach is “teaching people how to actively deal with stressors, so they can take advantage of whatever resources, whatever traits, whatever strengths they have. If they’re flexible, they can learn how to use those in a way that fits the particular situation. The flexibility idea is that you figure out what’s the best thing to do right here in this moment.”
This week I happened to catch the documentary of Dr. Edith Eger, a holocaust survivor who became a psychologist and though she is in her 90s, continues to work and is the author of The Gift: 12 Lessons to Save Your Life and The Choice: Embrace the Possible. She studied under the famous psychiatrist, holocaust survivor and author of “Man’s Search for Meaning,” Dr. Viktor Frankel.
There is a lot to be learned about thriving, surviving and resiliency from those who have endured prolonged tortuous situations, such as Auschwitz (Frankel and Eger), the Gulag (Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, prison (Nelson Mandella) and written about it. Interestingly, Dr. Bonanno’s work definitely supports what these survivors/thrivers learned.
Below are a variety of strategies that you can either add, or be reminded of, for your “toolbox” so that you have the “right tool for the job” as we continue to slog our way through the pandemic. Following are resources for further reading and understanding
• We’re wired for resiliency: We’re descendants of survivors not victims and we will get through this just fine. We’re capable
• Live in the Present, Remember the Past: Don’t be a prisoner to your past. There isn’t anything you can do to change it.
• Though the external environment is unchangeable you can change how you react and feel about it. Solzhenitsyn’s experience of being in the forced labor camps helped him formulate the idea that true freedom is possible even in the most restrictive human situations. He wrote in From Under the Rubble, “We are creatures born with inner freedom of will, freedom of choice-the most part of freedom is a gift to us at birth. External, or social freedom is very desirable for the sake of undistorted growth, but it is no more than a condition, a medium, and to regard it as the object of our existence is nonsense. We can firmly assert our freedom even in external conditions of unfreedom.”
• Let go of what’s not in your control, instead but your time and energy into things you can influence.
• Remain optimistic while being realistic.
• Be open to new ideas and ways of doing things
• Treat yourself with love and respect. Often we treat family and friends better than we do ourselves. Now more than ever is it time for self-compassion. It’s very dangerous to put your whole life into someone else’s hands. You are the only one you’re going to have for a lifetime. All other relationships will end. So how can you be the best loving, unconditional, no-nonsense caregiver to yourself? Edith Eger
• Suffering is universal. But victimhood is optional. Releasing ourselves from victimhood also means releasing others from the roles we’ve assigned them. When we choose to respond to what’s happened by moving forward and discovering our freedom to, we release ourselves from the prison of victimhood. Edith Eger
• Sometimes the feelings we run from
aren’t the uncomfortable or painful ones. Sometimes we avoid the good feelings.
This is how we release
ourselves from the prison of avoidance—we let the feelings come. We let them
move through us. And then we let them go. Edith Eger
• Look for the gift: Years ago, a grief/loss counselor commented that there was gift in everything and while it may be the hardest gift you’ve ever been given, it’s still gift. In the case of Covid, there will be many gifts to society when this is all said and done. The technology of the mRNA vaccines is going to find effective treatments, cures and even vaccines for diseases we never thought possible. Many who are in desperate need of affordable broadband is one of the top priorities for upgrades in infrastructure at the state and national level.
• It doesn’t matter what others think about you. That’s their problem. What matters is how you think about yourself.
• How you interrupt an event will determine how you cope with it. The more stressful an event feels to you, try to reconfigure it so you have a perspective that is less stressful.
• Ignore the media’s constant banter that “you’re stressed.” How presumptive of them! They don’t get to tell you how you feel. You aren’t doing it wrong if you or aren’t stressed.
Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.” Viktor Frankel
“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant.” Viktor Frankl
• Try a Stress buster
- Escape with a walk, good book, movie, take a yoga break, cuddle with a pet, call a friend, garden, try a new recipe-you don’t have to think about it all the time
- Journal: Writing often helps clarify what the real issue might be. You can learn a lot by writing about it.
- Practice gratitude: In Solzhenitsyn’s One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich which describes a day in the life of one prisoner in a gulag, as the book ends, he lays in his bunk and counts off all the good things that happened that day. Surprisingly, there were many.
- Take a nap and make sure you get enough sleep
- Laugh. Bonanno’s research suggests that finding humor in dark moments facilitates healthier outcomes by providing a reprieve from constant gloom.
- Take a Break: Wednesday’s are “take a break” days on this blog. For over 400 ways to do this, check out Take a Break Pinterest Board
- Breathe
• Be your own feedback: As you try different things, pay attention to how you feel. Try different coping mechanism. Is it still working? Zoom felt like a great connector at the beginning of the pandemic and lock down. We’re now in a different phase of the pandemic and the last thing I want to do is Zoom. Taking a walk with a friend, social distancing and wearing a mask three days a. week is a lot more useful to me now than zooming.
• Ask for Help: Lots of free emotional and well being programs have been set up to help people by local health departments, hospitals etc. Check your state’s health department website for emotional support programs in your area. Look under the Covid-19 section. Sometimes the hardest way to show up for ourselves is to ask for help. Edith Eger
Further Reading
Inside the “Virtual” Psychologist’s Studio With George Bonanno
Stress and Resilience in the Pandemic and Beyond
I Danced for the Angel of Death: The Dr. Edith Eva Eger Story
One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
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