Saturday, August 15, 2009

Blame, Complain and Feeling Sorry for Yourself are not productive

There’s little benefit in blaming yourself or others for your present situation. Blame is a wasted emotion. I’ve sat through countless workshops where people blame and complain. At the end of the day, did it really change anything? In all the years I ran retreats and workshops, I never saw the blaming and bashing to be helpful. However, when spouses and partners were present, blaming became issue discussions and then positive changes occurred.

Regardless of how you came to be in your current situation, dwelling endlessly on why did I do this or that, or “how could I have been so stupid,” doesn’t change the present, let alone prepare for the future. You can’t go back and change things, so why spend good energy dwelling on it?

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a Harvard based brain scientist, suffered a massive stroke in the left side of her brain and detailed the her experience, and how it has improved her quality of life in the book “My Stroke of Insight.” Millions have probably seen her 18 minute presentation for the TED Conference. If you haven't seen it, take the time to watch it and/or read the transcript.

One of Taylor's messages is that the brain is basically circuitry. There is an approximately 90 second chemical process that happens in the body when you have a strong emotional reaction-be it joyful or negative. “When you stay stuck in an emotional response, you’re choosing it by choosing to continue thinking the same thoughts that retrigger it. We have this incredible ability in our minds to replay but as soon as you replay, you’re not here, you’re not in the present moment. You’re still back in something else and if you continue to replay the exact same line and loop, then you have a predictable result. You can continue to make yourself mad all day and the more you obsess over whatever it is, the more you run that loop, then the more that loop gets energy of it’s own to manifest itself with minimal amounts of thought, so it will then start on automatic. And it keeps reminding you, “Oh yeah, I was mad, I have to rethink that thought.”

Taylor also noted I’m so clear that my brain chatter is a tiny group of cells that perform a magnificent function and I have a say in whether or not that circuitry runs. So all I have to do is make the decision that in this moment, I’m not going to think those thoughts. I’m not going to run that particular circuitry, and I’m going to focus my mind on the bigger picture and think about other things and block those clouds from being there.”

One of the mantras in patient care is, “start where the patient is at.” In essence accept where things are and work from there. If your car has a flat tire and can’t be driven, denying the situation, talking endlessly about why you got the flat or blaming another driver for causing the accident, isn’t going to get you on the road anytime soon. In fact, it’s going to probably make it a lot worse.

Our most current prolific speaker on the topic of acceptance is Eckart Tolle, who writes “for now, this is what this situation requires me to do, and so I do it willingly.” It is a lot better to work in tandem with your abilities and treatments then constantly being at odds with them.

Spending time trying to compare the woes of your life with other people is a waste of energy. Every one has “something” to deal with. This is your something.

In the 90s, while Director of Twin States Women’s Network (TSWN), a non profit organization for women and families affected by HIV/AIDS and/or hepatitis, one of our HIV+ peer counselors was facing a nasty legal situation. While many of us thought the charges were unfair, the woman had to deal with the consequences. After her sentencing, she remarked how rotten she felt. She then added, “If I’m still on the ‘pity pot’ tomorrow, kick me off.” It was this attitude of acceptance that has propelled her to be helpful to the women she counseled, as well as have a very remarkable and healthy life.

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