At any given time, I’m following multiple people’s progress via websites like Caring Bridge, CaresPages or Lotsa Helping Hands. Several weeks ago, someone asked me why so few people were signing up to help at one of these sites. While the answer turned out to be simple, the site wasn’t being moderated as well as it could be, the question begs a bigger one-why don’t people respond when there is such a clear need?
The reasons could be as varied as there are people. Keep in mind that these are tough times for many. While they maybe very concerned about their friend/family member, their own issues, such as health problems, loss of a job, reduced income or some other reason, keeps them from being an active participant. For the most part, if people know you are having problems, they are going to be less likely to tell you about theirs. Try not to make assumptions about other people’s lives, or project what you would do if the roles were reversed. You aren’t them and how you would respond isn’t necessarily how they’ll respond.
Below are some additional reasons why people don’t always respond:
• People react well to a crises but as the situation continues, few can maintain their initial response. The fact that people can live for many years in a compromised state, requiring help and support, is a fairly new occurrence and one that society as well as the health care and social service systems are trying to figure out how to respond to.
• We make time for things that are relevant to us –both positive and negative. It is challenging to let go of one’s own needs long enough to see what is important to someone else.
• People are busy. If they can put off a task to a later date they do. If there are two months of activities, which people can sign up for, it’s easier to think that you’ll “sign up later.” Unfortunately, “later” turns into “I didn’t get around to it.”
• Research indicates that by having more people involved, or observing a situation, it somehow inhibits helping behaviors. While this research was done in response to situations where someone is being harmed in front of a large group of people, it has relevance to this discussion. All too often a community is aware that a family or neighbor is having problems but no one comes forward to help. Sometimes it was because they thought others were already helping, “the family or state agency is taking care of it” or “they’ll let me know if I can be of help ” or they didn’t know what to do. “ I don’t want to interfere” is extremely popular.
• Depending on the circumstances, people might be afraid of seeing the person that is ill or injured. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.
So what can you do to help increase responsiveness?
If you are coordinating a response for a family member or friend, whether you are using a web-based model, such as Lotsa Helping Hands, or another strategy, keep in mind the following:
• Be honest with the volunteers about the situation. You need to strike that balance of sufficient information to garner support but not too much to overwhelm them. If you continue to say how well everything is going, people may not understand what the true needs are. At the same time, if it’s all doom and gloom people will check out. Strive for a balance about what the needs are, and letting them know what a difference their contributions are making.
• Being a moderator/organizer can be a lot of work. It may be best to have several people, who are directly involved with the person(s) coordinate this activity.
• Update information about the person(s) in need on a weekly basis. If an emergent situation, such as a hospitalization or surgery, keep people informed more frequently.
• Send e-mails, which specify unmet needs, how things are going and a note of thanks to those who are helping. Not everyone is going to check the website on a regular basis, but most people check e-mail at least daily. If you aren’t using a web based approach, distribute weekly lists of who is doing what and how the person(s) is doing.
• Keep your “chore” information as up to date as possible and let people know it. No one wants to bring over dinner only to learn another person had dropped off a meal an hour before.
• Limit requests; too many and people become overwhelmed. Four weeks at a time is usually sufficient. Keep it simple. Create steps/projects that people can easily do to achieve a much larger goal.
• Be clear about what you need. Be as specific as possible. For example, instead of saying lawn care, write.- lawn needs to be cut, hedges trimmed.
• Prioritize your projects and be realistic in your expectations. Many years ago, a neighbor was temporarily homebound due to an injury. The local PTA organized meals and was helping with childcare. When identifying what her needs might be, she asked if people could finish some of the projects she had started a while back. There was resentment by some of the volunteers as they felt she was taking advantage of her situation.
• Recognize that not everyone can give of their time, but they’d like to be involved. Provide other options, such as sending money to help with gas for those volunteers who are providing transport. Identify a place where money can be sent for a specific purpose. When that goal is met, let people know.
• People like to work together. If you have a variety of tasks that can be done at once, such as winterizing the house, set up a workday. Many hands make light work.
• Be careful about cancellations. There are always extenuating circumstances, such as the person has to go into the hospital, and the meals planned for that week wont be needed. If you need to cancel, be specific about why. Keep in mind that the more times you cancel the less people will be willing to sign up to help.
Several years ago, I attended a conference on Parkinson’s Disease, a chronic disease, with episodic periods that can render someone completely disabled over time. The speaker wondered how friends and family should respond when they learn of such a diagnosis. “Does this mean it’s a 10 time lasagna dinner?” “Is it enough if I drop off one pan or should I do that every week?”
How long can you expect people to respond? I don’t know of a specific rule of thumb in this regard. If there is a crises situation, people do respond and can be helpful for quite a long time. Someone undergoing chemotherapy for six months, or even longer, can expect support, particularly if it’s well organized. People are better knowing there is a finite time period that their support is needed. However, in the even of a life altering injury or illness, where continual care and support is needed indefinitely, you’ll need to work with a case manager to help identify local resources to support the person(s).
There are a number of organizations affiliated with schools and colleges that provide free help for specific tasks, i.e. winterizing a home; yard work etc. Websites such as Lotsa Helping Hands www.lotsahelpinghands.org can still be useful in coordinating visits, keeping people aware of how things are going and asking help for seasonal activities. However, it’s not realistic to think that a community will be able to supply dinner for the next 10 years. This is what "Meals on Wheels" programs are for.
It’s very easy to build up resentment when people don’t respond, particularly when you set up a system to help make it easier for them to do so. Let it go. Focus on the generosity of those who are present and don’t dwell on those who aren’t.
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