Your spouse (friend,
parent, partner, colleague, support group member) becomes very angry with you
and expresses it in no uncertain terms. Not fun, but there are times that we do
let people down and we do have reason to feel bad about what we’ve done (or not
done).
In these situations,
the best course of action is take ownership of it, apologize, and discuss ways
to correct it. This happens a lot in families where one person spends hours and
hours caring for Mom/Dad and the other siblings may be clueless about the
stress this is taking until the afternoon the frustrated caregiver lets them
have it with both barrels.
Since this is a blog
for people affected by chronic conditions, it’s important to note that if the
person lashing out is dealing with Alzheimer’s, a brain tumor or some other condition
that impacts cognition, how you respond will be different in some cases then
what is outlined below. The Alzheimer’s Association has a good article on this
topic-Aggression and Anger. In the same vein, if you are a caregiver and
your charge suddenly becomes very angry for no apparent reason, it is very
possible that something is wrong and their medical provider should be
contacted. It could be a reaction to medication, or something else, such as a
urinary tract infection
That noted, there are
times when a person’s unjustified anger leaves you shamed, anxious, angry and
feeling like you’ve been ‘nuked.’ The famous line of Kin Hubbard, “Nobody ever
forgets where he buried a hatchet,” definitely reflects the reaction you can have
to this type of anger. While you may repair a relationship after such an
outburst, you aren’t likely to forget it.
When someone is
angrily lashing out at you, consider the following:
• Angry people do
this out of fear and the need to gain control. Circumstances, such as endless
hours of caregiving, being sick and dependent on others, loosing a job, divorce
or any other stressful situation, can render them scared and threatened and so
they lash out. Rarely are people angry for the reasons they think they are. Who
knows what the trigger might be for them, just don’t take their anger towards
you personally.
By the same token,
if you find yourself becoming very angry about a situation or person, do a
mental check asking yourself “what am I
afraid of?” By understanding your own fears, you can avert an outburst. Anger
is a normal emotion. It’s how you deal with it that makes the difference. Learn
more about Anger Management.
• Chances are good,
they will lash out about the past. You did or didn’t do x, y or z.
The content is often
emotional and generally not based in fact, or they want to rehash situations
that you’ve apologized and made amends for. When this happen they are in “victim
mode,” and it’s all about them.
• Disengage.
When someone is angry, there is little you are going to say or do that will
make a difference. They’re looking for a fight. Speak softly if at all, and
don’t respond. Put distance between yourself and them. While time and distance
can reduce the impact of the anger, there are situations where the healthiest
thing is not to re engage with this person.
But what if it’s a
parent, sibling, or spouse? This is tough to answer because there are so many
societal norms that we buy into, whether appropriate or not. I’ve seen
families, friends, businesses and even support groups that do everything to
placate an angry member, ultimately resulting in less than healthy dynamics
within the group and worst of all, the angry person never gets the mental
health care they need.
In this social media
environment, it’s important to note that people will write things they never would
say in person and it can be very damaging.
If you find someone doing this to you, remember there is an “un friend” button.
• We are all
responsible for our behavior and how we feel. While the person lashing out may
be feeling unloved, unappreciated, hurt etc., it isn’t your responsibility to
take on their emotional vulnerability no matter how much they try to assign it
to you. Letting them off the hook by ignoring their behavior and continuing the
relationship as if nothing happens is a form of enabling. As has been discussed in other posts, you
can’t change someone. The only thing you can change is how you respond to them.
• If you are
regularly having to deal with an angry person, below are tips from Helpguide:
-
Set clear boundaries about what you will and will not
tolerate.
-
Wait for a time when you are both calm to talk to your
loved one about the anger problem. Don’t bring it up when either one of you is
already angry.
-
Remove yourself from the situation if your loved one
does not calm down.
-
Consider
counseling or therapy for yourself if you are having a hard time standing up
for yourself.
-
Put your safety first. Trust your instincts. If you
feel unsafe or threatened in any way, get away from your loved one and go
somewhere safe. Anger Management from Help Guide: In collaboration with Harvard Health Publications.
Resources
No comments:
Post a Comment