A few weeks ago, I was talking with my brother-in-law and to make a long story short, he wanted more information on grief and loss. I sent him the following e-mail and thought it might be helpful to others.
I should note that I haven’t heard back from R and don’t expect to since what I’ve written doesn’t exactly fit the pop culture narrative of "five stages of grief" and so forth.
It’s a bit more direct than how I normally write on this blog, but I was writing to my brother-in-law after all. That said, I’m the first to say that while most people do just fine, as we are wired for resiliency, that is not always the case.
Anyone experiencing grief that is not resolving after six months, or sooner depending how severe the reaction, needs professional help. Left untreated it can lead to various health complications and even PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome).
Distinct from depression, prolonged grief is marked by a pervasive yearning for the deceased. It is most common among people who have lost a child or a romantic partner and is more likely to occur after sudden or violent deaths, such as deaths by homicide, suicide or accident. Evidence suggests that about one in 10 bereaved people develops prolonged grief disorder, according to a meta-analysis by PhD candidate Marie Lundorff, at Aarhus University in Denmark, and colleagues (Journal of Affective Disorders, Vol. 212, No. 1, 2017).
Immediate crises should be handled by going to an emergency room and/or calling a crisis hotline. SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration), the National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.1-800-662-HELP (4357). Medical providers should be able to provide a referral as well.
Take all suicide threats seriously.
R:
Grief/loss are issues we all deal with at various stages throughout our life. Because of the work I’ve done and do, I’ve probably immersed myself in it more than most. Hell even my work with the historical society has a strong component since I head up the Solzhenitsyn project.
I researched the topic quite a bit and probably the single best book I’ve read is George Bonanno’s “The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss.” Basically, most of what is being written and promoted is pure bunk. The bullshit that is coming out about Covid flies in the face of both history and the volumes of research that clearly shows people are resilient and most will do just fine. In fact, just like AIDS and other pandemics, there are great gifts that follow.
When I’m working with grieving people I make a point of telling them that they are wired for resilience and to trust their brain. It knows what it’s doing and it’s trying to bring you back to center. There is no percentage, and no supporting science, in the constant idea of “grief work,” “stages of grief,” “you’ll never get over it,” and lots of other catch phrases and memes.
My own take on this is that when the baby boomer generation ditched church in the 60s, they still had the big questions and so the “counselor” was born. A lot of this “grief work” idea is nothing short of a jobs program to keep certain people employed.
Happy to talk to you more about it, but you can read the articles I’ve written on my blog about this topic. There is a post for those whose caregiving role has ended.
Margo
The older I get the Less I know: Understanding Grief
Is Counseling Necessary to Cope with a Crisis?
When Caregiving Ends What’s Next? Redefining Your Purpose
Life with Chronic Disease: You are not a victim: This was inspired by Lucy Hone’s TED
talk who as a positive psychologist was brought to her knees when her daughter
and best friend were killed in a car accident. Truly one of the best talks I’ve
heard that largely tells the “counselors” stop making me a victim.
Life with Chronic Conditions in the Time of Covid: Adaptation & Flexibility are Key: Contains links to videos of Boananno
When You Can’t Be With Them: Messages that make a difference
Life in the time of Covid-19: We are wired for Resiliency
Life with Chronic Conditions: No Matter the Loss You Can Love Again
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