Caregiving: Setting Boundaries and Limits

At the moment, I seem to know a number of people in the caregiving role and one area where people have considerable difficulty is setting limits. Whether it’s a spouse, child, friend, parent or a close friend, understanding limits and boundaries is important for both you and the person that needs the help.

Things to consider:

• Understand from the get go that what they think they need can be completely different from your take on the situation. Consequently, as long as they are cognitively able to make decisions, it’s their choice no matter the outcome. It’s important to accept that people make decisions and they need to deal with the consequences.

• Get clear with yourself as early as possible about why you are taking on the responsibility of caregiver. Ask yourself the following question:

-       Do they want me to be the caregiver?

-       Is this something I want to do or do I feel obligated to do it?

-       Are there other family and friends that can and should be doing this?

-       What finances are available?

-       How much time can I dedicate to being a caregiver without negatively impacting personal well being, family and job?

-       Is my self worth tied up in this? In another words, if I do this, I’m a good person.

-       Is caregiving going to be a trigger for remembering past ills between yourself and the individual in need of care?

-       What aspects of the caregiving responsibility do I think I can handle and what am I not comfortable with?

-       Is no one else willing to step to the plate to do it, so I feel responsible?

It’s very important that the individual is comfortable with you as their caregiver. At the same token, you need to be vested in the process because it is something you want and can do without negative consequences.  Just being an adult child, sibling or spouse doesn’t necessarily make you the right person to take on the primary role of caregiver. You might be better suited for arranging for personal care attendants, using advocates etc. and/or being supportive of the primary caregiver.

One very important role, that is often overlooked, is the person who can coordinate the responses of family, friends and neighbors. It is amazing how many people are willing to lend a hand, and truly “many hands make light work.” Money is often tight, so being able to organize a good volunteer support team can lessen the burden significantly.  If your talents are best suited for being the administrator of a free Lotsa Helping Hands website, which can organize volunteers to bring meals, provide rides, do chore services-shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc., your contribution will be enormous.

• “No” is a very important and realistic response. In the course of your relationship with this person, chances are good they said “no” more than once to you. They had their reasons then and you have valid reasons now. When appropriate, “just say ‘No.”

On the subject of ‘No,” sometimes people in need will reject your offer of help. If they tend to go to others for assistance, take this as a sign they’ve made a choice and let it be. Even if you think the caregiver they selected isn’t doing a good job, as long as they are cognitively able, they have the right and responsibility to pick and choose. If you believe the situation is dangerous, and the person may not be competent, you can call the police asking for a “welfare visit,” and/or contact adult protective services.

• When people are sick or old, it can quickly become all about them, resulting in their being extremely demanding. You are not their servant, so set boundaries and stick to them. The more you allow them to bully you into doing something you don’t want to do, the more they’ll do it.

• Caregiving can be an emotional minefield. You can only be responsible for your own emotions, so take charge of them. Try not to fall into old destructive patterns with family and friends.

• Keep an open dialogue going with all those involved. Be clear about your limits and discuss what others are dealing with. Do what you can, when you can for as long as you can. Not everyone is suited to the same task and that’s okay.

• Remember, your best is more than good enough.

For more information

Caregiver Resources 

The Resilient Caregiver: Setting Limits for Healthful Caregiving 

Take a Break: August Holiday Gifts to Start Now-2014 Edition

It’s the first Wednesday of August, so once again it’s five DIY gifts you can make now for the holiday season. At the end of the post are links to the DIYS from previous years.

Infinity Scarf: With all the T-shirts lying around at this time of year, grab an Xlarge and some scissors. Cut off the hem. Next cut below the armholes, or if there is a large print on the front, just below the design. Now stretch and stretch until you have a nifty Infinity scarf in less than 5 minutes 

Another approach is to use fabric and sew one. This is a good tutorial on making an infinity scarf.  You can make the scares out of a variety of styles of fabric and in various lengths, so don’t feel limited by the size and type of material used in this video. You can make them out of polar fleece, wool, jersey, flannel,  knit fabrics or whatever strikes your fancy. Have an old pair of pajama bottoms handy? Check out how to make an infinity scarf from them.  

Knife Block or Strip: For the person who has lots of knives, this is wonderful idea that takes little time and is inexpensive.  I have knife strips in my kitchen, which I love. For the wood workers, check out how to make Rainbow Wood Magnetic Knife Strip.  

Fire Starters: I’ve made these for the last several years and my friends with wood stoves, fire pits, and fireplaces love them.There are lots of ways to do this, but this is my preferred method as it is inexpensive to make, looks great, and is quick to do.

• Collect old candle fragments-or purchase cheap ones from the Dollar Store.

• Collect pine cones and let dry for a few days so they open up and will crumble a bit when you crush them. Pick up pine needles, small berries or other small woodsie items.

• Purchase a tube of cotton pads from the Dollar Store. These will be in the cosmetic section as they are used for removing make up.

• Use a double boiler method to melt the wax. Be sure to use a dedicated pot. If you have Scentsy warmer that will also work.

• Lay out wax paper and scatter it with pieces of pine cone, needles, flexes of bark, dried berries, herb pieces etc.

• Immerse the pad into the melted max for a few seconds until it is covered in wax and remove with tweezers or another tool. Lay on the prepared wax paper. Flip it over so both sides are evenly coated and then set aside to dry and cool.

• When cool, place as many as you want into a cellophane bag, along with a note that explains that these are fire starters.

If you come across small pine cones, you can always make pine cone fire starters,  which will look very attractive in a gift box.

Flavored Syrups: This is a good time to test out which syrups you like so that when it’s closer to the holiday season, you can make a batch or two to go along with someone’s favorite coffee, ice cream or even a box of pancake mix. It’s also a good time to check out tag sales and thrift stores for interesting bottles to hold the syrup.

The basic recipe is 1 cup water and 1 cup water, heated and stirred until the sugar is melted. If you have old Candy Canes try 1 cup water and 12 standard size candy canes. Place in a pot and bring to a boil stirring constantly. DIY Flavored Syrups 

Book with Activities: This may be more appropriate for the child on your gift list, but depending on the book and the adult, you may come up with some clever ideas. Start by picking a book that you think the person will like. Go through it and come up with ideas they can do when they are reading a particular chapter.

I’ve been working on this for a family in my community. One of our local grandmothers wrote a book about her life on a farm in the 1940s and 50s. So along with the book, I’m including cookie cutters and the author’s sugar cookie recipe. Since hot chocolate was something the one room school house teacher would make during the harsh days of winter, I’m including instant hot chocolate mix that I make myself. All of the items are set in a mixing bowl from that era.

Vacation is a good time for “junkin’ and yard sales. Never know what treasurers you’ll find.

Take Fives from Previous Years

• 2010: Candles; Eyeglass case and bookmarks; fabric flower brooch 

• 2011: Environmentally friendly cleaning products; Cookie Cutter Fudge; Balloon Candle Holders; Popsicle Bracelets; Frame a game Board 

• 2012: Make a variety of items using the sun including sun stencils and art work 

• 2013: From fruitcakes to fabric covered canvas 

Not interested in today’s activity? Check out the Take a Break Pinterest for lots of ideas. 

How to Respond: When it’s your turn to bring food

The two most downloaded posts on this blog are Unique Gifts for Hospital Patients and How to Respond When You Learn That Someone is Ill or Injured. While I’ve expanded quite a bit on the “Unique Gifts” post, there are areas of How to Respond that could do with more in depth discussion.

 What to bring when it’s your turn to cook or stock the refrigerator can be challenging. Food isn’t cheap, so you don’t want to see it thrown out or not be eaten. Yet this is very common in these situation for the following reasons:

• They didn’t like it

• It wasn’t appropriate for their diet

• There wasn’t a way for them to store it

• It went bad before they could eat it.

With that in mind, consider the following:

• Ask about:

-       - food preferences

-       - dietary needs and restrictions

-       - allergies

-       - what their favorite comfort foods and recipes are

-       - whether they lack interest in food- is it tasting too bland or too strong

-       - what types of meals they’ve had in the past few days

-       - what their storage and cooking capability might be- do they have a freezer, large enough pantry etc. 

If you are coordinating food for the family, make sure that volunteers are given the information above. Using organizational websites like Lotsa Helping Hands  not only helps to remind people when it’s their turn to cook, but they can see what others have made or plan to make.

• Make arrangements for food drop off. What time is suitable for them to have you stop by? Is it better than you give the food to a family member who is heading in that direction? While many people love the visit that goes with the food, there are times it’s better to just drop it off and leave.

• Stressful situations can cause people to eat mindlessly or have difficulty eating. If they’re just sitting and eating constantly, only bring healthy foods-grapes and raw veggies instead of cupcakes or brownies.  Offer them options other then food, such as taking a walk with you around the block. If they are having difficulty eating, sit down and share a meal with them. Sometimes having someone to eat with helps considerably. Bring a movie for the two of you to watch while you eat.

• Package foods in disposable containers that can be easily stored or frozen and can go directly from the freezer to the oven or microwave. Prep work/storage tips and what to do with left overs should be written on a card and taped to the dish for easy reference. Include ingredients just to make sure there are no surprises.

• Use portion control. A large casserole in one dish isn’t practical for two people. Instead, break up the casserole into single serving sizes whenever possible. The more perishable the food, the more likely it is to be tossed out uneaten, so aim for shelf stable and freezer friendly. Since it’s important to eat fresh fruits and veg, only provide what they can reasonably eat that day or the next. Don’t make a salad that will serve six if there are only four people eating.

• If you don’t cook, no worries, bring items to stock the refrigerator and pantry such as: milk (soy and almond are good options for the lactose intolerant); eggs; cheese;  yogurt; cottage cheese; homemade waffles, French toast, muffins, scones and quiches that can all be frozen; lunch meats; fruit juices; butter/margarine, jams and jellies; bread; crackers; cut up veggies and dip; fruit; a treat from their favorite bakery; good quality prepared soups; nuts and nut butters (if not allergic); tuna fish; dried pasta. Avoid processed foods as much as possible. Best to skip the sweets, salty snacks, and sodas. Gift cards to local eateries are also helpful.

• Take all the fixings and prepare a meal in their home. The smell of food being prepared can be calming and enticing even for those who have difficulty eating.

• Cook what you know. Simple is often better.

• In situations where a person is very ill and in the hospital, family and friends will be spending many hours there and cafeteria food grows old very quickly. Consider bringing them food from their favorite carry out; or a homemade meal that is easy to transport and where left overs can either be stored at the hospital or taken with you.  A cooler bag with drinks and healthy snacks is also helpful.

Recipes and Other Helpful Resources

• Weekend Links: Cooking for Others Edition 

• Filling Edna Mae’s Freezer: The Pioneer Woman, Ree Drumond makes food for husband’s grandmother. She offers good tips on how to prepare items that can be frozen in single serving sizes. 

• 10 Tips for Taking Meals to Friends with Cancer 

• Take Them a Meal Blog 

Take a Break: Five Minute Art Breaks

While I’ve done a variety of ways to take art breaks, below are five sites where you can go online for five minutes or 5 hours to sketch, paint, rake or dribble sand  Bookmark and enjoy whenever you need a quick break.

• ArtPad Digital Canvas 

• Sumo Paint 

• Jacksonpollock.org: Fun way to make art inspired by Jackson Pollock

• Rake a Zen garden 

• This is Sand: Your Pixels turn into sand and you can create amazing sand paintings 

Not interested in today’s activity? Check out the Take a Break Pinterest for lots of ideas.