Condolences

When someone dies how do you help the family and close friends? Do you send a note, drop some food off or not do anything out of fear you might do something wrong? Is it okay to tell a mutual friend that someone’s father has died?

More and more people are so caught up in the “political correctness” of what is the “right thing” to do when someone dies that the family and close friends are often not getting the support and acknowledgement they need.

I remember years ago a friend related how their good friend’s brother had died. I asked him if he had gone to the funeral. His reply shocked me. “No, I wasn’t invited.” I then asked, “did they specify that the service was just for family?” This wasn’t the case, but for some reason my friend thought funerals were by invite only. “Well did you send a card?” No again. He, like many people, really didn’t have any idea how to respond to the situation and so did nothing.

There are very practical things people need when a loved one dies.
• All of the routines of daily life-food preparation, cleaning house, taking out the trash, dealing with the kids, making sure the pets are feed and walked etc. continue so pitching in where you can makes a difference.

• Offer concrete ways to help and not just “call me if you need me.”

• Assistance in planning a service, obituary, selecting a charity for donations, or even dealing with the various aspects of settling someone’s estate can make all the difference.

• Offer to answer the phone or make phone calls.

• In grief people need to be able to talk, so be a good listener

• Unless specified otherwise, attending a memorial service, wake or whatever activity is being held to honor the deceased is very helpful. Even if you don’t have a chance to talk to the family and close friends, just having people attend means a lot. Many of the families I’ve worked with will describe how impressed and comforted they were by the numbers of people that attended the service.

• Some people like to receive flowers, so if appropriate send them. Make a donation to a charity.

• Writing a well-crafted condolence note means a lot. Jane Brody, the Personal Health columnist for The New York Times, has written about the diagnosis and death of her much loved husband. Recently she has written a column about the condolences she received: Whether in a card, note, letter, phone message, hug or pat on the shoulder, some people seem to know instinctively how to show they care and will remember the deceased. What stands out most in these messages is their deeply personal quality. People who knew my husband in various walks of life (especially his advocacy for his beloved Prospect Park and his career as a writer for the musical theater) saw him in ways that had escaped me, because I was too close to have their perspective. By sharing these details, they have rounded out my memories of a life shared and separate from his — memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. The full column is available at
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/18/health/18brod.html

• Grieving doesn’t end in a week or a month. Being available in the months to follow is very important. Take them out for dinner or another activity can be very helpful, particularly when there are special anniversary or other dates that may have special meaning. Be willing to listen.

Recently a friend was talking about the death of her father, which had happened many years ago. What struck her the most was when she returned to work, no one offered her a condolence. A hug, a meaningful “I’m sorry for your loss,” helps more than you know.

Additional Resources
Helping Your Bereaved Friends from the American Hospice Foundation

Supporting a Grieving Person