How often do you accept inappropriate behavior because you “understand” that the person is sick, dealing with a crisis, addiction or for some other reason? Is it healthy to do this? Is this the compassionate thing to do? Where do you draw the line?
We humans need to be
liked, loved, accepted, wanted and needed to one degree or another. To that
end, we often put up with a lot to have those needs met. But how helpful is it over
looking inappropriate behavior particularly if it’s having a negative impact on
you?
Different scenarios
call for different things to consider. However, it is important to recognize
that it’s not okay to be abused, be
it physical, verbal or emotional. Secondly, put your needs first. It isn’t
being selfish, but rather a tool to help you come from a place of strength to
be compassionate and caring. Allowing yourself to be someone’s “whipping boy,”
no matter how you rationalize it, takes a terrible toll on your mind, body and
spirit. Finally, mental illness is not an excuse for seriously inappropriate
behavior but it’s one very commonly used. If this is an underlying issue, read
When Someone Close to You Has a Mental Health Issue .
Bottom
line-Accepting unacceptable behavior makes it acceptable.
Below are some scenarios
and ways to deal with them
Scenario I: The person has a dementing
illness, e.g. Alzheimer’s, a
brain tumor, or some other major illness that is negatively impacting cognition. Verbal abuse is very common with dementia
patients, posing significant challenges for caregivers. The reason the person
is acting out can be rooted in various triggers, which can be hard to determine,
particularly if the person has lost the ability to communicate effectively.
Remember you didn’t cause the disease so don’t blame yourself for something out
of your control.
• Try to remember
that this is not abuse or aggression toward you.
• Remain calm and
don’t respond with anger, fear, alarm or anxiety if at all possible.
• Be clear
about the person’s diagnosis and talk to their medical provider about what you
are experiencing
• Try to determine
what the triggers are and eliminate them
• Try various
approaches to avoid the inappropriate behavior including: regular physical
activity (short walk); social interaction; giving them an activity they can do
such as caring for plants, washing dishes; music, art and pet therapy
• Don’t go it alone.
Get help. If this is too damaging a situation, you are not a bad person if you
need to stop being a caregiver.
Resources
Scenario II: A
provider abused by a patient. Provider abuse is so common, particularly
among nurses, it’s considered to be part of the job description. It’s not okay.
• Know what
type of policies and procedures your medical facility has put in place to
protect staff, If they have an “acceptable behavior agreement” contract, or a
provider “bill of rights,” which the patient is required to sign, use it. These
agreements outline inappropriate patient behaviors, how this impacts staff as
well as delivery of care, and consequences if behavior continues. Patients
often don’t understand how their negative behavior impacts those around them
let alone their care. If your facility does not offer such an agreement, work
with them to put one in place.
• Get help,
particularly if the person becomes violent
Resources
Scenario III: Domestic Abuse- Chronic conditions are linked with domestic
violence. Even while they are still in an abusive relationship, many
do not make the connection between their health conditions and their past
relationships, and even more alarmingly, neither do health professionals.
This type of abuse knows no gender but women are more apt to
report it while men are far more ashamed about it and are less likely to do so.
It’s important to understand that abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate
choice made by the abuser. It’s about power and control and they will use a
wide array of means to get or exert it-humiliation, violence, isolation,
threats, intimidation, denial, blame etc. This is not a sign of love or respect
and the sooner one is out of such a relationship the better for all.
It’s also important to recognize that many assume that domestic
abuse and violence is associated with a mental illness. As it turns out, there
are a few mental illnesses or disorders that can increase the risk of
abusive patterns. Overall though, abuse and mental illness are very separate. Even
if they do have a mental health issue, abuse is never okay.
• Learn more about Domestic Violence and Abuse and what can
be done about it.
• Call or log onto
the National Domestic Violence Hotline at
1-800-799-7233
• Check out other resources:
Domestic or Intimate Partner Violence from Women’s Health
Does Mental Illness Cause Abuse
Don’t be an enabler
and put up with inappropriate behavior,
Check out the
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