Take a Break: What Coast is Across From You?

When I was a child, standing on the shores of a mid Atlantic beach, we use to discuss that if we could swim straight across the ocean we would be in Russia. As I got a bit older, we revised it to say it was more likely France. Well thanks to a map from the Washington Post, what was across the ocean was more likely Algeria as France was considerably north of where we were. Or is it?

Andy Woodruff took it one step further in his post Beyond the Sea.  The latitude maps got me interested in answering the question more strictly: standing on a given point and facing perpendicular to the coast, if you went straight ahead, never turning, where would you end up? There are two reasons why following a line of latitude won’t answer the question.

1. Coastlines are crooked and wacky.

2. The earth is round.

Now that put a whole new light on things, particularly since I had spent some wonderful summer vacations in Ocean City, NJ. Turns out swimming straight ahead would take me to Brazil!

So start with your favorite beach(s) and see where swimming straight ahead takes you, using Woodruff’s map. You might be surprised where you end up.

Be Gentle With Yourself

It’s been a long and very stressful week. In fact, I hadn’t planned on writing a post but it dawned on me that someone else besides me could use the reminder, “Be gentle with your self.” 

Ultimately we are all good enough and, as I wrote in 2011, Our Best is More Than Good Enough. 

Take a Break: Regrow Veggies/Shirley’s Waltz

 While spring is in full swing in many parts of the country, the soil isn’t quite warm enough here in Vermont for planting-it snowed just a few days ago. My hands are itching for soil, so I’ve been experimenting with veggies you can regrow. 

I’ve been doing basil for years. It’s as simple as taking a cutting of basil, which includes some leaves and sticking it in water. When the roots form, plant in soil. Basil need lots of sunlight so it’s a real stretch getting my basil through the winter, but it does work and consequently, I haven’t bought basil in years.

If basil doesn’t interest you, try some of the following:

Romaine lettuce 

 Green Onions (scallions)

 Onion 

 Celery

 Cilantro Similar to basil

 Ginger 

For other veggies, try 25 Foods You can Re-GrowYourself from Kitchen Scraps.  Be aware that it may depend on where you live, but I don’t know anyone that has successfully grown an avocado tree that bore fruit. They do have beautiful house plants though.

My husband is a fiddler and is learning this lovely tune-Shirley’s Waltz. Enjoy

Not interested in today’s activities, try the Take a Break Pinterest Board.

When Your Tired of Being Taken Advantage Of

The posts on this blog are generally a direct result of my work with those affected by chronic and/or life threatening conditions. However, this week’s entry is an exception. It directly relates to my experience with an organization, where after voicing my frustration with them yet again, as well as feeling quite used, my husband said, “Stop, they aren’t interested in what you’re doing.” A difficult lesson, but an important one, and the inspiration for today’s post.

People knowingly or unknowingly take advantage of one another all the time. Those affected by chronic conditions may be more subject to feelings of being used than other groups. Caregivers are not only dealing with the significant constraints of their charges, but they’re also having to interact with family and friends’ and their needs and desires. It’s also not uncommon for those living with a chronic condition to think their health issues devalues them in some way and so speaking up becomes a challenge. 

Respect, as well as understanding who we are and what we contribute, matters. When it’s discounted, or perceived to be ignored, it can quickly lead to expressions of anger, frustration, and feeling further devalued. It can destroy relationships and ultimately makes people pretty miserable.

Step One: Only you can allow yourself to be used.

Step Two: Recognize the signs you’re being taken advantage of:

• You’re predictable. People quickly learn that if they exhibit a certain behavior, you will respond. For example, they play the victim so you will feel sorry for them.

• You’re perceived as being willing to “put up” with things

• Everyone assumes you’ll step forward-you’re the default or go to person for friends, family, colleagues

• You have difficulty saying no.

• Being brushed off, such as a person or colleague who continually doesn’t respond to your texts, phone calls or e-mails yet still has expectations of you

• You only hear from them when they need something

• You set boundaries about what you will or wont do, but then ignore them

• Working in a job with increasing responsibilities but without increasing compensation

• You put their needs ahead of yours.

• You pay for everything

• You do whatever the other person wants ignoring your needs. You are more concerned with their happiness and well being then your own

• Always laughing off "jokes" from friends or family members that actually hurt your feelings

• Saying “I’m sorry” frequently. Easily “guilted” into doing things

• Will do anything to avoid confrontation

• Allowing others to take credit for your work

• You don’t stand up for yourself, perspectives or ideas

• Giving until it hurts 

Step Three: Take stock of what you are doing. If need be, make a list of what’s happening that makes you feel like your being taken for granted. Are you afraid to state how you feel because you fear rejection? Is there no recognition of your contribution? Are you “over giving” and/or is what you are offering  something the other person actually wants or needs?

To the latter point, I thought this Buddhist expression was spot on.  "Never give anyone more than they are emotionally capable of receiving, or they will have no choice but to hate you for it." If you find yourself over giving read Elizabeth Gilbert’s article “Confessions of an Over-Giver.” 

In my situation, not only was I “over giving,” but I was offering something that didn’t really matter to this particular group.

If you feel devalued or taken advantage, what’s happened in the relationship? If you can pinpoint a time or event that caused the shift, chances are you can find a solution.

How well do you understand the other person’s situation? Have they changed in someway? Some people definitely distance themselves when they no longer want to be in a relationship but don’t know how to leave. If you have a serious health issue, the first thought you might have is that you’re being rejected because of it. While that’s possible, it’s also true that relationships don’t work out for any number of reasons. Is fear of being alone a major reason for your putting up with objectionable behavior? If the answer is “yes,” check out The Loneliness of Chronic Disease.

Understand the distinction between coming from a place of generosity, where you don’t expect anything in return, and doing with an expectation of something in return. Also recognize that there are situations where people-particularly kids-take you for granted. For them maturity is a developmental process and most will outgrow their self-centeredness, particularly if they are reminded not to take you for granted.

Learn to communicate frustrations before it turns into anger and becoming accusatory. Say no and don’t be afraid to set boundaries. But remember that you must be willing to stop when boundaries are reached. 

Check out How to Deal With Being Taken for Granted for more suggestions and tips. 

Given my situation, I notified the organization that I would no longer be volunteering for them.

Other Posts Related to This Topic

• Those You Help May Reject You and How to Avoid It 

 • They Ask for Help, You Try, But Nothing is Right 

 • I know they’re sick, but they’re really pissing me off! 

 • Nobody Forgets Where He Buried the Hatchet: Dealing with Angry People 

 • They need help, but they refuse it. 

 • When you see a need for help but they reject it, what can you do? 

 • “They don’t take care of themselves.” 

Take a Break: Celebrate Mom with a DIY “Gift of the Month”

Mother’s Day is just around the corner. So instead of just remembering her on one day of the year, what about once a month for several months up to a full year. Gift of the month clubs are expensive and the same results can be achieved for a lot less money with a “do it your self” approach. Create a personal “gift of the month” for her.

 • If she likes organics, present her with a different product each month that you make.  It can be something as simple as jam butter-to one stick of organic butter softened and whipped, stir in 4 heaping Tablespoons of organic jam. These can be frozen in logs in wax paper or placed in a pretty dish.

• Snack packs that are healthy that you can make, such as granola, popcorn, seasoned nuts, seasonal fruits

• Local wine or beer. Mix it up a bit by using wines only from the state where you live. You’ll be surprised when you go looking for it.

• Socks

• Pet box-toys and treats for the pet she may enjoy more than anyone else

• If they like to make things, consider craft kits. Need ideas, check out the Take a Break Pinterest board.

• For the mom that likes to cook consider interesting and unusual utensils or ingredients. For example-A new spice that she may never have tried before along with a few recipes to try with it.  Paint the handles on set of inexpensive wooden spoons. Use masking tape to mark where you want the paint to end. Leave plenty of space so the painted part doesn’t get exposed to the food. You can paint them all one color or make each one a shade lighter by adding white paint. Continue until your last spoon is all white.

• A year of dates-12 pre planned, pre date activities to enjoy with Mom